August 2005 Archives

A music meme, via Michele:

A.) Go to musicoutfitters.com
B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year
C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you hate and underline your favorite. Do nothing to the ones you don't remember (or don't care about).

Top 100 from 1982
1. Physical, Olivia Newton-John
2. Eye Of The Tiger, Survivor
3. I Love Rock N' Roll, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
4. Ebony And Ivory, Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
5. Centerfold, J. Geils Band
6. Don't You Want Me, Human League
7. Jack And Diane, John Cougar (don�t ask � it was a summer song)
8. Hurts So Good, John Cougar
9. Abracadabra, Steve Miller Band
10. Hard To Say I'm Sorry, Chicago
11. Tainted Love, Soft Cell
12. Chariots Of Fire, Vangelis
13. Harden My Heart, Quarterflash
14. Rosanna, Toto
15. I Can't Go For That, Daryl Hall and John Oates
16. 867-5309 (Jenny), Tommy Tutone
17. Key Largo, Bertie Higgins
18. You Should Hear How She Talks About You, Melissa Manchester
19. Waiting For A Girl Like You, Foreigner
20. Don't Talk To Strangers, Rick Springfield
21. The Sweetest Thing, Juice Newton
22. Always On My Mind, Willie Nelson
23. Shake It Up, Cars
24. Let It Whip, Dazz Band
25. We Got The Beat, Go-Go's
26. The Other Woman, Ray Parker Jr.
27. Turn Your Love Around, George Benson
28. Sweet Dreams, Air Supply
29. Only The Lonely, Motels
30. Who Can It Be Now?, Men At Work
31. Hold Me, Fleetwood Mac
32. Eye In The Sky, Alan Parsons Project
33. Let's Groove, Earth, Wind and Fire
34. Open Arms, Journey
35. Leader Of The Band, Dan Fogelberg
36. Leather And Lace, Stevie Nicks and Don Henley
37. Even The Nights Are Better, Air Supply
38. I've Never Been To Me, Charlene
39. '65 Love Affair, Paul Davis
40. Heat Of The Moment, Asia
41. Take It Easy On Me, Little River Band
42. Pac-man Fever, Buckner and Garcia
43. That Girl, Stevie Wonder
44. Private Eyes, Daryl Hall and John Oates
45. Trouble, Lindsey Buckingham
46. Making Love, Roberta Flack
47. Love's Been A Little Bit Hard On Me, Juice Newton
48. Young Turks, Rod Stewart
49. Freeze-frame, J. Geils Band
50. Keep The Fire Burnin', REO Speedwagon
51. Do You Believe In Love, Huey Lewis and The News
52. Cool Night, Paul Davis
53. Caught Up In You, 38 Special
54. Why Do Fools Fall In Love?, Diana Ross
55. Love In The First Degree, Alabama
56. Hooked On Classics, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
57. Wasted On The Way, Crosby, Stills and Nash
58. Think I'm In Love, Eddie Money
59. Love Is In Control, Donna Summer
60. Personally, Karla Bonoff
61. One Hundred Ways, Quincy Jones
62. Blue Eyes, Elton John
63. Our Lips Are Sealed, Go-Go's
64. You Could Have Been Wih Me, Sheena Easton
65. You Can Do Magic, America
66. Did It In A Minute, Daryl Hall and John Oates
67. I Ran, A Flock Of Seagulls (it started the great hair rebellion of 1983 ... don't ask)
68. Somebody's Baby, Jackson Browne
69. Oh No, Commodores
70. Take It Away, Paul McCartney
71. It's Gonna Take A Miracle, Deneice Williams
72. Love Will Turn You Around, Kenny Rogers
73. Don't Stop Bellevin', Journey
74. Comin' In And Out Of Your Life, Barbra Streisand
75. Gloria, Laura Branigan
76. Empty Garden, Elton John
77. Yesterday's Songs, Neil Diamond
78. Crimson And Clover, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
79. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic, Police
80. Here I Am, Air Supply
81. I Keep Forgettin', Michael Mcdonald
82. Get Down On It, Kool and The Gang
83. Any Day Now, Ronnie Milsap
84. Make A Move On Me, Olivia Newton-John
85. Take My Heart, Kool and The Gang
86. Mirror Mirror, Diana Ross
87. Vacation, Go-Go's (this was THE graduation song)
88. (Oh) Pretty Woman, Van Halen
89. Should I Do It, Pointer Sisters
90. Hot In The City, Billy Idol
91. Kids In America, Kim Wilde
92. Man On Your Mind, Little River Band
93. What's Forever For, Michael Murphy
94. Waiting On A Friend, Rolling Stones
95. Do I Do, Stevie Wonder
96. Working For The Weekend, Loverboy
97. Goin' Down, Greg Guidry
98. Arthur's Theme, Christopher Cross
99. Through The Years, Kenny Rogers
100. Edge Of Seventeen, Stevie Nicks

Well, as expected, the kids went back to school on Thursday. There was a time when this time of year would thrill me. I'd watch the kids get on the bus, waving goodbye through tears of joy. As soon as the bus was out of sight, I would dance on the kitchen table naked, dousing myself with coffee and chanting ...

Ok, I made that last part up. I did enjoy it much more then than I do now, though. It's strange being on the other side ... a teacher dreading the return of the students.

Hmm ... actually, after the last week, I've realized that is not the return of the students that I dread, it's the massive amount of work that gets piled on me as soon as I walk in the door ... and that gets piled up on my desk every time my back is turned. Once the kids get back, I have a reason to smile again but the week before, it's sheer hell.

I found out that I do have assistants now. One started coming down to the media center on Thursday and the other, well ... I'm hoping she will start helping me soon. I went to her on Friday to ask her to please get me the data file I need on Monday morning and I'm hoping that she will also come down and watch me upload it onto the server and see just what I have to do with it. I don't think she realizes how integrated her job and my job are and it's about time she learned. The old SIMS operator did SO much for the media center, so much I can't do.

I may make it this year. Time will tell.

A glass fell off the kitchen table tonight and I just looked at it and I said "I quit.". My son said "You always say that but you know you won't."

I'm glad they don't know how close I have actually come to quitting, how many times, and how often I still think about it with a kind of longing.

~~~~

I've joked before about the perpetual cloud of gloom my son seems to have hanging over his head and how fastidious my daughter is about being perfect. Tonight, though, I'm not laughing. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty deeply shaken after what just happened. I'm still coming to grips with the 'holy shit' quality of my realization so forgive me, please, if this is rambling or confusing.

I've been accused of being cryptic and maybe this is one of those times. Maybe not. I guess it all depends on if you recognize the title of this post.

If you don't, yeah, I can see why you might think I'm being cryptic. I prefer to think of it as breaking the news slowly.

If you do recognize the title, though, I get the feeling you will be singing along with me before long.

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild.
A million dead-end streets
And every time I thought I’d got it made,
It seemed the taste was not so sweet.

So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker.
I’m much too fast to take that test ...

Oh, yes ... Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. After 4 years of building Wordwhores and 5 years of blogging my little fingers off at Absolute Blog, it was time for a change. I started that blog and the website with the intention of giving my certain brand of insanity a forum for expression. I didn't want to be a richer (wo)man. I didn't beg for visitors or links ... I just was there. It was my home when this home got to be too much, a place for me to escape to. Strange as that may seem, I needed a place where I could see evidence that I actually existed. Wordwhores/Absolute Serenity/Absolute Blog was it.

Now I'm just gonna have to be a different (wo)man ... a prosemonkey, to be exact. Yeah, time may change me, but I can’t trace time.

If you aren't singing along by now, I'm very disappointed.

At the risk of being over-dramatic (because if YOU want that, I can SO GO THERE, just say the word!), I suck at being perfect.

Not that I am perfect. Oh, no, never have been and never will be.

BUT ... I have a dream. I have a dream that someday, everything I plan will execute flawlessly. I have a dream, misguided though it might be, that I can actually DO everything that I have to do and not stumble here and there.

I also have a dream that every one of my multiple personalities will get along and have a nice little picnic and play bocce ball on the lawn without a drunken brawl breaking out but, hey, my family can't even do that, how can I expect my selves to?

I hope this proves that I'm not just a nerd (as implied by Bobo) but also a geek (though slightly more nerdy than geeky).

Not that there is anything wrong with being either, especially since the negative connotations are slowly giving way to awe and respect (with just a touch of pity).

Fun test ... I SPECIFICALLY did not like that my only choice for age was Old Fart (harrumph!!).

though I am wondering how my SO answered the SO question ... mine was obviously right.

Ok, enough with the silliness ... I'll be back to actual blogging sometime. Painting at my school today and back to work on Thursday. Shoot me now, please.

Ha, something that I am better than Bobo at!

Not sure if I should be proud of this but I'm going to enjoy it.

Let’s try to forget that yesterday I suddenly became a big ball of cheese, shall we?

I’m not to be fucked with today.

Why? Maybe because I didn’t get to bed until somewhere about 4 this morning trying to straighten out what fucked up thing that suddenly started happening with my computer. Long story short, I tried installing a program and I suddenly went from 30 processes running to 360 processes sometime around midnight and, though I tried to shut down the humane way, I eventually had to just go Old Yeller on its ass and then try to backtrack and clean up the blood spatters.

Maybe because I got a weepy phone call from my mother at 8 this morning because her air conditioning is out and she is still trying to get over her trip and, though she didn’t want to get into it about how my son behaved on the trip, guess what? Yup, she did! Gosh, who would have thunk it? I had to hear how everyone said how disrespectful and moody he was and that he needs more discipline and everyone else’s kid behaves better than mine and apparently, mine is the Spawn of Satan himself. I AM A BAD MOTHER, OK?! I GET IT! I. GET. IT.

Maybe because when said Spawn of Satan dragged himself out of bed at noon this and then rolled his eyes at me when I asked him to get his dirty clothes to the laundry room, I sat him down to have a little ‘talk’ with him. Only my little ‘talk’ lasted a good hour and I said everything and he said nothing and now he’s pissed off at me AND sullen and WELCOME HOME!! DIDJA MISS THAT?!?!

I just have to say that I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.

No, that's not true. The entire solar system. Galaxy? To infinity and beyond?!

Anyone that would drive an hour to meet his girlfriend's tired, grumpy, travel worn family members at a train station in the middle of Richmond just so they wouldn't have to sit alone in a train station in the middle of Richmond together for 2 hours and 20 minutes is an absolute angel.

Wow ... I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

He has no idea how much easier he just made my life. I'm not a total screw up! I picked a good one! Go me!

And now, instead of having to listen to my mom complain about what a handful my son is for the hour long drive home from OUR train station, I get to try to steer the conversation back to him and how wonderful he is, thus proving that, although I may be an absolute failure as the raiser of well behaved children, I rock at picking out boyfriends!

They are coming home. My daughter is crushed. She kind of enjoyed having me all to herself, when she was here, anyway.

It's a long ride home from Rocky Mount. Then we're going to karate, which is another long ride. Then, after 3 hours of sweating and wincing, we have another long ride home. We'll be home somewhere around 10:30. I SO need coffee.

I would be writing about my son on his trip with my mom but THEY HAVE NOT CALLED ME SINCE THEY WENT TO MAINE ON FRIDAY.

I know there is no phone up there. I know there is no cell phone. I know there is no TV, no video games, no NOTHING and I can't imagine that they would be staying there for this long. But they must still be up there because NO ONE HAS CALLED ME.

Speaking of NOTHING, that is pretty much what I got accomplished today. I did swing by my mother's house today to feed her fish and water her plants, like a good daughter. Most of the day, however, was spent waiting around for the x to call back about seeing his daughter. After our less than pleasant exchange the other day, I wasn't surprised.

I was surprised, however, when my daughter told me, after making plans with her father, that she didn't want to go. I told her that she didn't have to go if she didn't want to but she felt as though she had to since she didn't go last week. In retrospect, I didn't think that was exactly an accident. She slept over a friend's house and told her father that she would call when she got back but she 'forgot' to call. Hmm ... how many times has he done that to her? Can you say payback?

The weekends have always been a problem. This weekend is no different. I could have bet $10 that the x would not even call this weekend since Joseph is out of town. I mean, why come for visitation just for Jasmyn? Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when he called last night. He talked to her for a minute or two then asked to talk to me. I reluctantly took the phone, not knowing where this was going but hoping for the best.

The first few minutes were spent asking about Joseph, where he is, what he’s doing and when he is coming back. Then he over explained what is going on with him trying to get back to work. I don’t know why he felt the need to go into such detail.

No, I take that back. I do know why he was chatty. He had been avoiding me for weeks because he hasn’t been paying child support. Last night he just wanted to let me know that he IS going back to work and that he didn’t forget about child support and he will be paying again soon.

The weekends have always been a problem. This weekend is no different. I could have bet $10 that the x would not even call this weekend since Joseph is out of town. I mean, why come for visitation just for Jasmyn? Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather when he called last night. He talked to her for a minute or two then asked to talk to me. I reluctantly took the phone, not knowing where this was going but hoping for the best.

The first few minutes were spent asking about Joseph, where he is, what he's doing and when he is coming back. Then he over explained what is going on with him trying to get back to work. I don't know why he felt the need to go into such detail.

No, I take that back. I do know why he was chatty. He had been avoiding me for weeks because he hasn't been paying child support. Last night he just wanted to let me know that he IS going back to work and that he didn't forget about child support and he will be paying again soon.

At least that was all I thought it was. I am so naïve. I told him Jazz and I may be going to see an old friend of mine from Massachusetts who is in NC with her family. He asked a few questions about her, about her husband, about how they have been doing, just small talk.

I told him how much I respect the fact that they have been committed to each other and their kids and how hard they have worked to build their life together. I don't have many friends but I've known this one for 25 years and I have to say this for her husband; he never abandoned his family, he never cheated on his wife, he never forced his wife to do anything that went against her moral core. In my eyes, he's a good husband. When he pushed me to tell him when we were going, I told him our trip would be worked around his visit so that he wouldn't think I was trying to keep him away from his daughter.

As he started talking about when he would pick up Jazz, he slipped a comment in about how he thinks that Jazz and I 'gang up' on Joseph and that is why he feels so alone. I defended myself calmly and was very proud that he didn't manage to piss me off.

Then he started to say how he tries to be Joseph's friend, how he tried to do things with him because he is alone and lonely. He even said that he taught Joseph how to drive his car and lets him drive it in his yard.

I bristled at this and that was my mistake. I reacted with my heart rather than my head. See, I have a problem with parents that bend the law just so they can be cool in their kids eyes. The kid is 13 and there is a big difference between a friend offering to teach him how to drive when he knows he's not supposed to and his FATHER offering to teach him how to drive when he knows he's not supposed to.

He knows about peer pressure. He knows how to get out of things he doesn't want to do with kids his age. With his father, how does he say no? He can't. He has no way to say no without wondering if that will be the one thing that will make his father give up on him and leave for good. He actually told me that his father taught him how to drive but he made me promise not to tell him ... and I didn't let on that I knew. I just took a deep breath and I told the x what I thought about that.

I told him while it is ok to be a friend to your kid, you have to remember that you are their parent first and foremost, that everything you do and say to them or in front of them has more weight because of that.

I didn't even realize what I had done. In karate, it is called leaving yourself open. In boxing, it's leading with your chin. In my life, judging by the hits I've taken, it is par for the course.

"Do you do the same thing with the kids?" he asked.

"Of course I do," I said warily, realizing a second too late that he had noticed an opening and was circling his prey.

"Then what are you teaching your daughter?"

"What do you mean?" By now, the vise started pressing on my heart and I felt the panic starting to rise.

"Listen, I'm not telling you how to live your life but what are you teaching your daughter by letting your boyfriend come stay in the house every month? What is she learning?"

And there it was. 20 minutes of casual chatting turned into that. And that is why my x and I can never be friends. I always say he's stupid but it's amazing how just that one dig suddenly made me feel like an absolute idiot for leaving myself open.

He never had my best interests at heart, he never cared about my happiness, he never trusts me and he never will. How could I be a friend with a person like that? He is a narcissist and it's a persistent character disorder. We will always be connected by our children but I can never trust him to care about them more than he cares himself or, ultimately, about hurting me for defying him.

I don't want to only remember the worst about him. Doing that makes me seem like a petty person and leaves me with all the negativity of our relationship in my heart and I can't be truly happy like that.

But I can't exactly look back at the good times of our relationship because I don't remember any of them. I don't have happy stories, happy pictures. It's almost as if 15 years of my life has been wiped clean, as though the fact that I was ever married to him went right out of my head the day I got the divorce. I try to only think of him as the father of my children and try to find the good in that, namely that I have 2 great kids.

When dealing with him, I prefer to take each day as it comes and hope that he has changed and every time he shows me he hasn't, I walk away determined to get rid of the negativity and go on toward tomorrow in a more positive way.

Unfortunately, today was the tomorrow that was supposed to be more positive and I still have a bitter aftertaste in the back of my throat for what he did yesterday.

What I wanted to say:
"If you would stop being such an officious prick for a second, you might realize that I am a happier, healthier person now than I was when we were married. That makes me a better parent. The fact that I have someone in my life that does care about both me AND my kids, that takes their feelings into consideration when he makes decisions that will effect them, that actually makes me feel smart and safe and happy should make you happy. But you can't be happy unless I am miserable and, I'm sorry, asshole, but I'm not going to give you the satisfaction."

What I did say:
"I have to go now. This conversation is over. Call if you want to see your daughter this weekend. Goodbye."

And then I hung up the phone, closed the door to my bedroom and cried until I couldn't anymore.

I am such a fucking wuss.

They left for Maine Friday morning. My brother has a camp there and they were going for the weekend. Sounds fancy, hunh? A camp in Maine conjures up images of boating and lobstah and country clubs, doesn’t it?

HA! Apparently, it is little more than a hunting stand. They will practically be camping. No TV, no cell phone service. You even have to pour a bucket of water into the toilet to make it flush. Still wondering why I didn’t go on this trip?

First, don't go to bed at 3 am Friday morning expecting to wake up in any sort of reasonably good mood. Not gonna happen, not unless you actually get to sleep until noon.

Second, unplug the frickin' phone because, apparently, SOME people have their faculties about them enough to dial the phone at 7:45 in the morning but just because SOME people have their faculties doesn't mean they should be allowed to use them. Kind of like frozen burritos. Just because you have half a dozen in the freezer doesn't mean you should eat them all.

Third, when a throught drifts through your sleepy brain at 7:56 in the morning about the fact that today is trash day and you forgot to take out the trash last night and maybe you should get up now before the trash trucks come and you have to run out in your pajamas, you should listen to it. And by listen to it I don't mean roll over and go back to sleep until the trash truck is in front of your house and you have to find something to throw on so that you can take out both the trash and recyclables and NOT scare the neighbors or the trash men because, duh, you don't wear pajamas.

Just sayin'.

Got an email from my son last night:

HI
Hope you had a good time at karate
By the way, it's Joseph
I got you a present
yeah Jasmyn got something to
I got sunburn YEAH !!!!!!! (ow)
answer soon

Note the TOTAL lack of punctuation except for the excessive use of exclaimation points? Where does he get that from?!?!?!?! Pretty short and sweet, but it was just what I needed when I got home from karate last night.

Yeah, I thought I would get an annoying little acronym going there. I'll stop soon, I promise. Or not.

Long day today. Jazz went over a friend's house which left me alone for most of the day. A L O N E. That never happens. What I want to know is ... when T is in town, why won't the kids ever leave me A L O N E?!?! But that's a different story for a different day.

I splurged on a large Cafe Americano from Mountain Mudd. Let me just extoll the joy that is Mountain Mudd coffee. For $3, I get a humongous cup of pure calorie-free caffeine (large coffee with 2 double shots of espresso) and, if I'm feeling festive, I'll have them add some sugar-free gourmet syrups. Yesterday it was Pink Chocolate, a combination of Raspberry and White Chocolate that, Oh. My. God. turned my coffee pink. Hey, it's healthier than going to a drive-thru, though it does get me pretty wired.

I've been tagged! This may take a while because I may feel I have to justify some of my music but here goes. From Skillzy (thanks, dood, I needed this), these instructions:

list ten songs that you are currently digging … it doesn’t matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they’re no good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they’re listening to.

This is not necessarily a true reflection of my preferences but it does show what I have in my music library, which is at about 12GB right now. My taste? I like music, what can I say? From the frightful 70's into my punk phase in college, where I DJ'd from '82 - '88 (discovered some great bands and, hopefully, helped them get some exposure. At least in the Greater Boston area). From then on I listened to everything, always looking for something new and different.

Being different for the sake of being different doesn't work for me, though ... neither do copycat bands. I like true originals, the ones that start music revolutions. I also have a strange aversion to anything that is too 'popular' ... if my mom has heard of a band, it's over.

I crawled into bed an hour or so ago, determined to just let today go. It wasn't a bad day, really, it just was. I'm tired and distracted, frustrated beyond reason about nothing at all. I figured sleep would help but as I lay there, I realized it wouldn't come. Let's recap the day.

Jazz and I are used to being alone, especially on the weekends, so she did what she would normally do on a Sunday when her brother isn't here. She made Cinnamon rolls. And she ate most of them.

I, on the other hand, did what I normally do. I checked my email, read a few blogs and settled down to watch the morning episode of the Gilmore Girls. I was kind of hoping for a call from either my mother or Joseph once they got to New Hampshire. Since this is his first time away from home, I would think that my mom or my sister would be sensitive to the fact that I might like to know that THEY GOT THERE ALIVE!