February 2006 Archives

Whew, I know Valentine�s Day is SO over but 1) I�m still basking in the afterglow and 2) I�ve been crazy busy since and I�m just getting some downtime this weekend. And by downtime, I mean getting an oil change, an inspection and renewing the registration on my �Yota, cleaning my house, doing homework, doing piles of laundry, preparing for a Monday morning training session and putting in some serious Chibi Robo time.

I�m sitting in Greenville Toyota right now getting two of the above things done and while I have crowed about how nice it is here in the past, I�ll be holding off on that today. They are going through some serious renovations and I�m currently sitting in a doublewide that is serving as their waiting room. Hopefully, they are updating their old waiting area to match the rest of their dealership, particularly the Scion area (though they are tearing the roof off the Scion area right now so who knows what they are planning?) All I know is I'm in a car dealer on a Saturday morning and I haven't had coffee yet and I'm not exactly feeling fresh & fruity.

I�ll be leaving here to go to Starbucks to fuel up with a venti Caf� Americano so I can get through all the rest of my stuff. I'm hoping they still have free wireless ... it seems during the renovations here, their router ended up somewhere in a box so I'm reduced to writing in Word and posting later. Oh well, the best laid plans and all that.

Back to Valentine�s Day. Valentine�s Week, I should say. WARNING: If you have an aversion to reading lengthy posts that quite possibly contain giant hunks of cheese, and you know who you are, stop reading now! If you do decide to stop, though, you'll miss a review of a pretty awesome concert and more details of a childless weekend away in a hotel room and you'll never know what I said to the Internets about it. Just sayin'.

RIP Mr. Limpet.

RIP Old Man.

Sadness.

* I was actually waiting for the third to post but hopefully this time they won't come in threes.*

Apparently, I'm not a normal woman.

Working in a building that is full of women, I find that I have very few people I talk to as if they were friends ... and most of them are men. Why? I don't know. Maybe its because men don't make you feel small.

Maybe I'm just out of my element. Half of the women here are <30 years old. They are just starting their careers, getting engaged, newlyweds, having babies, buying houses, buying cars, having parties, going to parties, partying ... not that I begrudge them. I just can't relate to them. The other half is >50 years old. They are at the end of their careers, married, kids in college, planning their retirement ... I don't begrudge them, either. I just can't relate to them.

I just don't fit. I'm smack dab in the middle ... 41, single, two teenagers, in grad school, renting, scraping, pinching pennies. I don't get pedicures every three weeks or get my hair cut every 6. I don't love to shop or have people over my house. I don't have time. It's not a priority.

Maybe that's it. Maybe my priorities are screwed up.

I don't like to gossip.
I don't like to be in a 'clique'.
I don't like to leave people out of 'cliques'.
I don't like to tear other people down to lift myself up.
I don't like to point out other people's mistakes. I'm not perfect.
I don't like to show off what I have. Not that I have anything but if I did, I wouldn't show it off.
I let my work stand on its own merit and hope that someday someone will recognize that I do a good job.
I don't make a lot of money. Sure I would like more but I'm not willing to sacrifice time with my kids for it.

I'll tell you what brought this on. An email. A simple email that made me feel about *this* big. An email pointing out that I screwed up yesterday and that someone else picked up the slack for me. Not that anyone asked me to fix the problem or let me try to fix it ... nope, just fixed it, went around complaining that she had to fix it and then let me know, in a very public way, that she had.

Normally, I would just email everyone back, publicly apologizing in such a way that the person sending the email ended up feeling guilty that they hadn't come to me first. Ok, I did that, too. But I did something else, too. I got angry. I took it to heart.

I don't screw up, not like this. I had to miss an important meeting (of a committee that I am both Chair and my team rep) and I made the mistake of not getting a rep from my team to take my place. I knew a month ago I couldn't make the meeting and then I got focused on the workshop and what I needed to do for that, on getting a sub to cover for me, on doing homework, on thinking about this weekend and a trip next weekend ... all while trying to shake this bronchitis while taking care of two sick kids and I forgot. I FORGOT.

Yeah, I know, it's a mistake but still ... I forgot. I let myy team down. And to add insult to injury, I get very publically, very cattily called on it.

Eh. RTFM ... I'm human.

But at the same time, I'm human and I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt.
I'm tired of being made to feel as though I'm not good enough, as though I don't do enough.
I'm tired of people that don't have a life that just wait for something to happen so that their sad, pathetic little existences can be exciting. Go live vicariously on your own.

I have a headache now. A whopper. I have a paper to write, a house to clean, clothes to pack, shoes to buy, bills to pay, kids to care for and a workshop to teach tomorrow. I don't have time for this.

I love Love LOVE the Olympics. The pageantry, the comraderie, the freakin' performances! Oh, and I like the athletes, too.

The opening ceremony in Turin was all that I expected. Thought they were a little heavy on the disco, the music was perfect for a party.

The highs:

1. A sneak peek at the downhill practice. This is going to be an amazing competition. The fact that the Americans are still competing for a spot on the team is mind blowing.
2. The sun and moon balloons. Beautifully painted, impossibly gorgeous.
3. The Ferrari!!! An F1 doing donuts, screaming louder than the crowd.
4. The perfectly choreographed 'ski jumper'. That SO rocked.
5. La Bomba!!!! It was so good to see Alberto Tomba bringing the torch in.
6. Pavarotti ... the man has the perfect tenor voice. Though he sings opera, he doesn't do it with any of the annoying vibrato that other tenors are guilty of overusing (I'm talking to you, Domingo). He sang one of my favorite arias, 'Nessun Dorma'. By the end, my skin is one huge goosebump and I'm practically sobbing. Perfect pitch does that to me. Weird, hunh?

The lows:
1: Bob Costas is an officious prick. The fact that he thinks he has to tell us what we are seeing, that we are too stupid to 'get' it, pisses me off.
2. The beating heart was a little weird ... the cow print dance outfits, wtf? ... the bubble heads ... ok, there were a few things I just didn't get. On the up side, neither did Bob.
2. Athletes being banned already. Sadness. Hopefully this will get cleared up.

Ok, day one down. I'll be glued to the set for the next 17.

You know how some beautiful women know they are beautiful but they still fish for compliments by saying things like "but I'm not as pretty as so-and-so ...", making any available male within 100 yards of them pounce on the opportunity to be the first to compliment them and *hopefully* get a chance to get in their pants?

You know how some women try so hard to make their outsides as attractive as possible no matter the cost so that they feel as though they are worthwhile, never remembering that it's the inside that really matters?

You know how they say true beauty comes from within, that if you feel beautiful, you will radiate beauty that will be undeniable? Maybe that's my problem.

I know I'm not beautiful. I've known it all my life. I was always the ugly duckling, the outcast, the one about whom was always remarked "but she has such a nice personality." No one else has ever thought I was pretty, either, and if they did, they didn't tell me. Would someone calling me beautiful or gorgeous change my self-perception? Guess I'll never know.

You know how hard it is to go through every day knowing you aren't beautiful, that no one thinks you are beautiful, and still look at yourself in the mirror? When the standard of beauty is young, stick-thin, blond, tan, surgically enhanced sex-pot, it's almost impossible, expecially for someone that doesn't fit any of those requirements.

*sigh*

Not sure where I'm going with this. Here I sit with a Masters, an overall 4.0 GPA in grad school, two kids and a great guy that love me, a roof over my head and I can't help but feel inadequate and ashamed of how I look. Do looks really matter? Apparently they do to me. I never thought being told I was pretty or I looked good was important to how I feel but I guess I'm simpler than I thought.

What brought this on? Maybe being sick and alone and feeling like a dishrag. If one more person tells me I look terrible this week, I don't know what I'll do. Prolly whine some more.

Ok, ok, I've seen these on other sites and I tried it, oh so many times. I never finish. I usually get off on a tangent or distracted by something shiny and just forget about it.

I've been sick the past few days, though, and haven't been able to do much more than think so, here it is. 100 things you never knew (or wanted to know) about me.

Four Jobs You’ve Had in Your Life

1) Pizza Baker - First job I ever had. Began a life-long love affair with pizza.
2) College Radio DJ - WMWM, 99.5 FM, Salem State College, Salem, MA. I was known as SharonO. LOVED it.
3) Whale Watch worker - Ticket booth, launch driver
4) Bartender - Fabulous Chinese restaurant in Salem with a nightclub upstairs. Learned a LOT about human nature there.

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over

1) As Good as it Gets - Jack is totally OCD but chenges himself for the woman he loves.
2) Bringing up Baby - Silly, madcap comedy, Cary & Katherine, just makes me laugh out loud!
3) Star Wars: A New Hope - I *almost* forgot how much I loved this movie until I watched it again last year. Like falling in love for the first time all over again.
4) It's a Wonderful Life - Every year I watch it and every year I cry, dammit!
(this was SO impossible to only pick 4)

Four Places You’ve Lived

1) Peabody (MA) -hometown
2) Lynn (MA) - I'll never forgive my mother for moving us here
3) Salem (MA) - moved there as soon as I could move out
4) Greenville (NC) - 10 years and counting

Four TV Shows You Love to Watch

1) Survivor - every season I say it's my last but I keep going back.
2) Gilmore Girls - surviving single mom, how can I not love it.
3) Criminal Minds - I've only watched it twice but I'm hooked.
4) Most any reality show - I'm afraid to really claim I love any show because as soon as I do it gets cancelled.

Four Places You’ve Been on Vacation

1) Toronto
2) Niagra Falls (in Canadia, eh?!)
3) Alligator Point, FL (palmetto bugs as big as cats *shudder*)
4) Tampa, FL
(notice how I've never ventured out of the swath of the East Coast?)

Four Websites You Visit Daily

1) The Superficial - I hate celebrity watching and this makes it funny.
2) Sweetney - she's funny, smart & honest.
3) Slashdot - News for nerds ... what?
4) Monkeyshines - I've love to surf in (even if he hasn't updated) just to see my name in the tagline

Four of Your Favorite Foods

1) Hunan shrimp - actually, this is a copout, because ANYTHING from a Chinese restaurant is my favorite
2) Popcorn - could live on the stuff
3) Pizza - the perfect food
4) Coffee - not necessarily a food but it's one of the major food groups, right?

Four Places You’d Rather Be
1) Asleep next to him
2) Curled up on the couch with him
3) Lying in his arms
4) Visiting the pit - hmm, sensing a trend here ...

Four Albums You Can’t Live Without
NOOOO!!! Not fair! I can't do without any of my music. (Currently on an INXS bander in anticipation of seeing them live this month!)

Most people that have participated in this have tagged 4 other people but since I don't even have 4 regular visitors, I'm tagging anyone that visits. So there.

I've noticed that I have the habit of glancing off of touchy topics with the tag line more about that later ... but I hardly ever get around to the more and it keeps getting later and later.

This is, of course, not just something I do here, in my writing, though why I do it here, where I exist in relative safety and anonymity, is something to look at. This really is the story of my life. When things get too close to the crux, to the truth, I pull back, glance off, shy away with the promise that I'll take care of it later.

Sometimes so much time passes that I figure that the point is moot, that no one will remember what the big deal was in the first place and really, after a while, it really doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I've worked very hard to be one of those people that doesn't look back, that just moves forward, each day a clean slate. It's foreign to my nature, though. I'm convinced that by examining and resolving my past mistakes, I can make sure I don't repeat them in the future. I'm guilty of overthinking many situations, though, of taking a seemingly inconsequential moment in time and making it a great sinkhole of guilt that I feel I have to crawl my way out of.

The good thing about this is that I know this about myself and I if can see myself beginning to reflog a long dead horse, I will usually pull myself away and therein lies the problem. HA! No shit. There ya go. And to think I went to a shrink for 4 years to tell me what I could eventually have figured out myself.

Procrastination is my only excuse as to why I don't finish these poor abandoned thoughts. That and the realization that none of *this* changes anything and maybe, just maybe, no one cares but me.

But we'll talk more about that later ...