God doesn't like ugly ...

"You can not control  the actions of others; you can only control your reaction to their actions."
                                                                                                    -Dr. B


I have kind of a long story to get out so I may condense but who knows ... once I start writing, I may decide this needs a full rant.

Anyone that knows me knows I am a gentle, patient person. I believe that there is good in everyone and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The fact that I stayed married for to an abusive, domineering, narcissistic misogynist for 15 years proves that I will do almost anything to try to make things work out. Since my divorce, though, I have had to be stronger, removing toxic relationships from my life and doing anything to make sure my kids are provided for. I don't rely on anyone because, in the end, I'm the only one I can always rely on.

Over the past few years, my life has taken a turn for the better. I got a stable job and I do it well. I've gotten my Masters AND a licensure on top of that, going to school and working full time,  keeping my eyes on the prize. Now I have a house and I'm paying my bills and doing it, for real for real ... without much help at all from the X.

The X ...  over the past few years, his life has steadily gone downhill. He's had a few jobs, lost his CDL license, gotten behind in all his bills. He even took me to court to cut his child support in half ... and I, in my stupid charitable way, allowed him to do this because if I didn't, he would have ended up in jail and nothing would be gained by that.

About 2 or 3 months ago, he let me know that he had been contacted by a certain agency that has interests overseas and they wanted to hire him as a translator ... the up side, lots of money ... the downside, umm, war.  He could be gone for a year or two and, honestly, there is a very real possibility that he will not come back.

I made peace with this reality surprisingly quickly. I'm not proud.

This week,  I have been helping him renew his passport so I have talked to him more over the past 7 days than I have for a year, and maybe that's why I came to this point. On top of working 12 hour days to get my library put back together, I'm dealing with him, filling out and printing applications and listening to his inane chatter while I'm looking up information for him online and explaining the SAME FRACKIN' THING over and over again because he is too DENSE to get it!!!! 

*whew* yeah, maybe I should have let him know I've going back on meds and he maybe should not push me around just now until I stabilize.

Maybe it's the meds. Maybe I'm just exhausted. Maybe I just could not stomach one more person not appreciating me. Maybe, just maybe, I have a lot of spiritual work to do.

Earlier today, I realized that we would all be better off if he didn't come home from this job and, as soon as I said it out loud, I realized how ugly that was, how very un-Christian ... and I felt ashamed.   I was disappointed in myself. Once I caught myself, I had resolved to be more charitable and patient with him. And then he calls and acts like a total prick. And I tried my hardest to not be rational and patient and listen but he plucked my last nerve.

He called me tonight after I picked up my very angry son and told me some things. Like how I should raise my son.  Like how I ignore him and spend all my time with my daughter. Like how the boy is scared to tell me that he has a girlfriend.  Like how its my fault he's an angry 15 year old.

I went off on him, something I almost never do. I'd had enough.  No one tells me how to raise my children, especially  someone who HASN'T RAISED A CHILD. He has the luxury of being the boy's friend because he's not there to deal with the consequences. He can do things against my wishes because he thinks I won't find out. More than that, he thinks I won't fight back. Well, tonight I did.


And now I'm back to where I was earlier. A very, very ugly place. And God doesn't like ugly.