Recently in Life Category

I seriously have slacked off in many aspects of my life. Housecleaning has slipped, gardening has been almost nonexistent ... and the worst of it is that I don't care very much about anything. Apathetic, that's what I've become. Except for my loved ones (sum total, humans 3, cats 3), I could very well curl into a comfy ball and watch time pass in silent solitude.

I've got to care about something. I've got to get my passion back. I've just got to keep breathing in and out until that happens. I think I can handle that.

So tomorrow I turn 44. Always looking for signs of hope (or doom), this should be a good year for me. My lucky number is 8, 4+4=8, its 2008 ... get it? Of course, something miraculous was supposed to happen on April 4th (04/04/08) but as luck would have it, the closest that I could come to that was watching my daughter sing in a concert on April 5, so ... I guess the REAL luck doesn't start until tomorrow. When I turn 44.

44.

w o w.

I don't feel 44. I don't think I look 44. I certainly don't think I act 44. What if I'm wrong and I'm really only 34? Maybe there was a mistake made somewhere along the way, maybe numbers were transposed, maybe I fell through a wormhole, maybe ... not. I look at my mother and I see a 75 year old lady (who, by the way, doesn't act 75). I look at my brothers and see guys in their mid-50s trying to pretend they aren't. I look at my sister and I see her heart on her sleeve and how she fights to keep everyone, and herself, together ... age is catching up to everyone.

I look at myself, though, and, for the most part, I don't see a 44 year old.

I still see the little 4 year old who stood on a stepstool next to her father to watch him shave on Sunday morning, knowing that this was the closest she would ever get to him.

I see the 14 year old sitting by the window, watching her neighborhood friends walk toward St. Anne's church for the funeral of the boy she had a crush on, unable to bring herself to join them.

I see the 24 year old in her cap and gown, graduating while planning a wedding in her head,  fingers calloused from sewing glass beads on her handmade dress nervously drumming on her knee as she scans the crowd for a glimpse of her family.

I see the 34 year old sitting on the back steps of her rented house long after the kids were asleep, smoking a cigarette by the light of the full moon and drowning alone in a glass of Merlot, wondering how she would be able to keep a roof over their heads if she left him.

I don't see a 44 year old. I see that same fear of rejection, that same solitary mourning, that same overwhelmed distraction, that same resolute responsibility that I have always seen. I haven't changed. Just the calendar has.

Happy birthday to me.

 

I know I complain a lot about my kids. I know sometimes I focus on the worst of them, not the best. And sometimes I resent the fact that I am the sole parent and provider for our family of three, especially when I am not allowed to have a moment to myself while the sperm donor can go a month without even thinking about them.

I have to say, though, that most of my complaining comes from guilt. Guilt that I am not a better mom. Guilt that I want a moment to myself. Guilt that as a sole parent and provider, I am not able to provide everything they need ... time, money, clothes, toys, indulgences that their friends all have. Guilt that I, by choosing this life of single parenthood, have cheated them out of a normal childhood. And now I'm facing guilt that by putting myself through school for my second licensure so that I could get a better job (and being "insufferable" in the process ... my daughter's word for me) and then NOT getting it ... well, I have screwed up, big time.

Go ahead, say it. Suck it up. Cry a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Yeah. I'm trying. I really am. I've been trying since December. It's not getting better. Or at least it keeps coming back.

I find myself now with only 3 weeks left of the school year in front of me, a week of work after that, and a full summer to recuperate because I didn't ask to be a part of Summer Academy and I'm not taking any classes and I'm not spending the entire summer working for once.

So what am I going to do? Can I make up all my parenting deficiencies in 10 short weeks?

I don't know. T won't be coming down until sometime in July ... and I shouldn't complain because he was here all last summer helping me move and get settled and then recover from surgery but it still hurts, this distance growing larger every day. Sure, I am going up there for a wedding at the end of this month and for a race next month but those will be one day events, with me rushing to get back home because of the kids. Because I can't leave them with anyone. Because of the guilt.


It all comes down to being brought up Catholic, I'm sure of it.

And just as a reminder, Relay for Life is coming up soon. If you would like to donate or vising my team page, please click the link above.

In the spirit of the infamous Proust questionnaire, here you go. Now, occasionally I will fill out one of those watered down versions that are sent via email but this seemed to suit my mood and station in life right now. As if I have a station.

Though it seems as though I answered these questions with multiple answers, I really was only elaborating on my answer, for clarity. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being able to truly let go and stop worrying, stop hurting, stop being afraid. And in that moment of letting go, knowing that I am held, loved, protected, and being able to relax enough to fall asleep.

What is your greatest fear?

That I will allow myself the luxury of relaxing enough to let the dark slip in again and it will be so insidious (as it always is) that I won't even recognize it until it is too late.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Marie Curie. She was trying to do and do for the greater good without regard to herself and, in the end, it killed her.

Which living person do you most admire?

I don't really have a "hero".

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

The ferocity of my anger. .

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Manipulation, whether it is emotional or physical, conscious or subconscious.

What is your greatest extravagance?

That I spend a lot of time gaming.

What is your favorite journey?

One without a destination or a time limit. Just give me the open road and I'm gone.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Patience. If you wait around forever for people to realize the best course of action, you end up being a very tired, very trod-upon, very old doormat.

On what occasion do you lie?

When it would be crueler to tell the truth.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

Everything.

Which living person do you most despise?

There is no one person. Collectively, the ignorant, the intolerant, the selfish, the shameless ... those who choose their own pleasure over the feelings of the helpless and small, over the future of our planet.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Fuck me Mary. Wicked. Dammit. Heh.

What is your greatest regret?

That all my life I have blamed myself for the actions of others. I'm still working on that.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

I have to say three. My children, even though they drive me nuts now, taught me how to love unconditionally. And my T, well, he is teaching me that I deserve to be loved. For that, I will be forever grateful.

Which talent would you most like to have?

The ability to roll into a ball, like an armadillo, whenever I feel attacked.

What is your current state of mind?

Anxious, exhausted, agitated, resigned. Pretty much a constant, really.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

Which family? My children and myself, it would be that we didn't have to worry so much about money. The rest of them? That we could go back and do it all again ... this time with proper diagnosis, medication and therapy (for our parents, too) ... in other words, without all the dysfunction.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Going back to school for my Masters. Walking across that stage so they could put my hood on was an amazing moment.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

Knowing my luck, myself.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

Not sure I would want to come back. Maybe as a butterfly. Something short lived yet free.

What is your most treasured possession?

My own bathroom. You have no idea.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

The overwhelming realization that you are powerless to change anything. .

Where would you like to live?

Somewhere peaceful where you can see a billion, trillion stars at night. Where you don't have to worry about someone trying to come into your home and hurt you. Oh, with bandwidth.

What is your favorite occupation?

Education, whether through music, painting, writing or direct teaching.

What is your most marked characteristic?

My silence.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Intelligence, honesty, loyalty, compassion, generosity of spirit.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Intelligence, honesty, loyalty, compassion, generosity of spirit. 

What do you most value in your friends?

See above.

Who are your favorite writers? 

Not fair to ask the librarian!

Poetry: Louise Gluck, Sharon Olds, Margaret Atwood,  Stevie Smith, Sylvia Plath, Langston Hughes, Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, e.e. cummings, Anne Sexton, Lucille Clifton (think an older, more blunt Rite Dove), "Famous" Seamus Heaney, Charles Simic.

Novelists (including juvenile lit.):  Anne M. Martin, Natalie Babbitt, Wilson Rawls, Sharon Creech, John Irving, Robert A. Heinlein,  Douglas Adams, George Orwell, Samuel Beckett, Virginia Woolf, Kurt Vonnegut, Linda Sue Park, Bruce Brooks, Sir Arthur C. Clarke, Terry Pratchett, Isaac Asimov and, again, Margaret Atwood (I can't help it, she makes me think that I might actually be able to write.).

This is merely a partial list ... this could take weeks.

What are your favorite names? 

I like the quaint antiquity and uniqueness of biblical and ethnic names and the strength of family names, not so much names that are made up. And misspelling just to be different? What was I are you thinking?

What is it that you most dislike?

False hope. Having faith, only to be betrayed. Being forgotten, dismissed as insignificant.
Suffering. Injustice.

How would you like to die?

Quickly, once I have actually finished something. Lord knows I don't kneed to be stressed out about things I can't finish in the afterlife, too.

What is your motto?

Cry a river, build a bridge and GET OVER IT.

When I Close My Eyes
by Jim Papoulis

When I close my eyes I can see,
When I close my eyes I'm alive,
When I close my eyes then I can see
And I am not afraid.

When I try not to see the reasons why,
If I ever could understand,
I would find the hope to let me try
And I am not afraid.

Take me to the river, take me to the sea,
Climb the highest mountain
And go there with me.
When I close my eyes then I can see
And I am not afraid.

Now I am learning the magic within me
and that is the reason I am standing so tall.
Deep in my heart is a voice that is speaking,
If I keep believing then I will not fall.

Take me to where the wind blows,
Take me to the sun.
Take me to the river that flows to the sea.
When I try to see the reasons why,
If I ever could understand.
I would find the hope to let me try
And I am not afraid.


from SOUNDS OF A BETTER WORLD
ed. by Francisco J. Nunez



Sung by an incredibly talented group of young singers, of course that brought tears to my eyes. My daughter was part of the older group, the Youth Chorale, who followed the littler ones. I'm glad I came out of my routine enough to let her join the Choral Society. She obviously loves singing and has great respect for the music they chose. I watched proudly as they sang songs in German, Latin, Hebrew and finished up with a good ole' American Folk Song. She stood tall, strong, brave ... I thought she looked very professional. Was that my girl?  *checks program* Yeppers. Who knew?

A follow-up to a book I read to my students last month, Ice Bear ... come on, people, we have got to do something to ensure their survival. I will be linking to more anti-consumerism, pro-environmental issues. I want my kids to have a future and there should be polar bears in it.

It's my fault he did it, because I went out to the car and left him alone in the house.At least that's what he said.

About 4 inches long and an inch or so wide, the hole in my wall is going to take some patching. I'm not doing it.  If he wants to ball his 16 year old fists like a man, then he can spackle like a man.

I've been crying for four hours today. worse than yesterday, though yesterday I slept away the stress instead of crying. The day before I had a few crying jags and a heaping helping of insomnia. This recent bout of teenage assholery is wearing me down. I'm ready for boot camp. Or a therapist. Both for him, natch. I'll be right as rain once all this stops.


Seriously, I divorced the X because of the emotional bullying and I was feeling it again tonight. Blaming me for making him lose his temper. Guilting me into apologizing when I was the one being attacked.  Making me afraid to say anything for fear of starting another argument. I've just shut down over the past few days. I can't fall into the pattern of withdrawal for protection again, not from a 16 year old. This is my house. My rules. My family.

Damn, I hope this hole can be fixed.

I love my kids. I really do.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, especially times like these when I'm sick again. This cold already made a trip through the house, first catching the girl, then me, then the boy. Out of the blue, the girl got sick again this weekend and I made the mistake of letting her crawl in my bed for most of Sunday. When I woke up Monday morning, I was short of breath and woozy, by noon I was fading fast. I did some quick calling around, trying to find a substitute for the next day, and by the time I finally got home that night, I fell apart. The girl coughed so hard she threw up and I could barely stand up long enough to help and comfort her.

Yesterday I spent the day immobile, unable to lift my head off the pillow.  Muscle aches, coughing so hard I have bodily fluids squirting out of everywhere (ewwww!!) ... by noon it became apparent to me that i wouldn't be able to work today either. It took me a couple of hours to find a phone so I could call work ... if the substitute was bad, I was going to try to go in today. Luckily, the person that came in was good; he had subbed in a Media Center before and I asked if he could cover for me today also.

So, I'm home for my second day. Maybe today I can actually eat something and try to get my strength back. Or I may just sleep the day away. Lots of things I should do but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm home SICK for a reason ... because I'm SICK.

Ok, gonna get some more ice for my water and maybe some dry cereal. And get back to bed.

Propped myself up this morning to do my taxes and, in an attempt to put off grocery shopping, began surfing the intarwebs. Let me tell you, it always makes me feel insignificant and incredibly boring when I do this. Not only do I not post very often but I don't have anything original or insightful to say.

SO, in an attempt to be relevant, I'm going to pretend that I got tagged with a meme and post my own answers to the question "5 things I never pictured in my future when I was 25".

Let's see, can I even remember 25??  That would be 1989, I had been married for three years, out of college for one year, and I was an advertising clerk working at the Salem Evening News, a local newspaper with a readership of 90,000. I was feisty, opinionated, and unhappy. I was married to someone who was not what I thought he was when we met and I was feverishly trying to do anything to make him happy. We were living in a rented apartment (half a house) and he changed jobs frequently ... we lived in constant fear of repossessions and bill collectors ... and my measly salary was barely enough to pay the bills.  Here's what I never pictured in my future ...


1)  Children.  Look up dysfunctional in the dictionary and there's my family. I didn't think I should have kids because I thought I was going to be a horrible parent. I had to learn how to be a good parent by doing the opposite of what was done to me.

My kids, however, became my reason to keep living. My son was born in '91, my daughter in '93, and my devotion to them has made me keep fighting, long after most would have given up. They have turned out alright, I think. Thanks, chillins. You rock.

2)  Divorce.   When I said "...until death does part us", I meant it. I didn't want my kids to ever go through divorce like I did ... I became determined to keep it together even if my marriage killed me. And it almost did.  Getting divorced was one of the most dreaded, most dangerous decisions I've ever made in my life. We're talking restraining order, going to the family violence shelter to hide kind of dangerous. I could not allow that man to put his hands on my children or me ever again.

In the end, I had to decide that I would rather them go through divorce than think that marriage was supposed to make you miserable.


3) Owning my own home!!    Ok, this one I thought I would have well before I was 43 but at 25, I was beginning to realize that my husband and I would never be able to own our own home. That realization is what made us move to the South when I was 30 ... and the next 6 years was spent running up so much debt that the dream became a painful sore spot. It wasn't until last year, with distance from him and some judicious money management on my part, that I was able to apply for and get a mortgage ... on my own.  So now I own my very own house.

Owning my own home is kind of a disappointment, though. I always dreamed I would do this with someone else, not on my own. Now I'm extremely proud that I did this by myself but it's not what I wanted. I wanted a home, a marriage, a family, a dog, the whole enchilada. Guess I have to take what I can make for myself, though.


4)  Owning my own NEW car!!!!   Ha, this is something I always dreamed of but knew I wouldn't be able to do on my own. Every car/truck/van I had my name on also had the x's name on it and I was left with nothing after the divorce, even though I was the one making the payments while he was off carousing for a year.

I payed cash for a (very) used van before this and, while LaTonya was a sweet gas-guzzling ho, she went all asplodey on us late one night. The next morning I found myself at our local Toyota dealer, praying I would be able to afford something, anything.  She's not much but my 2005 'Yota is da bomb-diggity and she has the heart of a lion.


5) True love.  Yeah, by 25 I had figured my chance for any kind of love was over. I was stuck with who I had chosen and doomed to never know what it felt like to be loved. I didn't deserve love, I was told, and I was lucky to get what I had. I thought I had loved in the past, and now looking back, I can see that I had truer, deeper feelings for one of my college boyfriends than I ever did for my X, but that was a doomed relationship also. Truly loving and being loved was foreign to me, until I had my children. I never knew that I would willingly die for someone or that I could find a reason to live in such a small package.

That's not the only love I have, though. I've learned that I am lovable, that I can love, that I deserve to be happy just like a normal person, because I found T.  He's the real deal I never thought I would get a chance to find.



I realize now there are so many more things I never thought I would do in my future ... go back to school (twice!), survive a flood, become a teacher, ride a roller coaster, go to a drag race, and the list goes on and on.  Basically, thinking about these "5 things that I never pictured in my future when I was 25" has made me realize that, at 25, I never thought I was going to have a future.  Guess I was wrong. 

How about you?