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George Carlin, the man who taught me to swear with abandon and question authority, has died. There is less laughter in the world.

MARS!


Shit like this makes me giddy.

So tomorrow I turn 44. Always looking for signs of hope (or doom), this should be a good year for me. My lucky number is 8, 4+4=8, its 2008 ... get it? Of course, something miraculous was supposed to happen on April 4th (04/04/08) but as luck would have it, the closest that I could come to that was watching my daughter sing in a concert on April 5, so ... I guess the REAL luck doesn't start until tomorrow. When I turn 44.

44.

w o w.

I don't feel 44. I don't think I look 44. I certainly don't think I act 44. What if I'm wrong and I'm really only 34? Maybe there was a mistake made somewhere along the way, maybe numbers were transposed, maybe I fell through a wormhole, maybe ... not. I look at my mother and I see a 75 year old lady (who, by the way, doesn't act 75). I look at my brothers and see guys in their mid-50s trying to pretend they aren't. I look at my sister and I see her heart on her sleeve and how she fights to keep everyone, and herself, together ... age is catching up to everyone.

I look at myself, though, and, for the most part, I don't see a 44 year old.

I still see the little 4 year old who stood on a stepstool next to her father to watch him shave on Sunday morning, knowing that this was the closest she would ever get to him.

I see the 14 year old sitting by the window, watching her neighborhood friends walk toward St. Anne's church for the funeral of the boy she had a crush on, unable to bring herself to join them.

I see the 24 year old in her cap and gown, graduating while planning a wedding in her head,  fingers calloused from sewing glass beads on her handmade dress nervously drumming on her knee as she scans the crowd for a glimpse of her family.

I see the 34 year old sitting on the back steps of her rented house long after the kids were asleep, smoking a cigarette by the light of the full moon and drowning alone in a glass of Merlot, wondering how she would be able to keep a roof over their heads if she left him.

I don't see a 44 year old. I see that same fear of rejection, that same solitary mourning, that same overwhelmed distraction, that same resolute responsibility that I have always seen. I haven't changed. Just the calendar has.

Happy birthday to me.

 

The murder of marine Maria Lauterbach and her unborn baby has hit home with me. The fact that her murderer will only be charged with her murder is unbelievable. Now, I am fiercely pro-choice (and I'm sure we could all argue back and forth about this forever) but in the case of a murder of a pregnant mother, especially when the fetus is full term, it is a viable human being and should be protected as such by law.

There was a vigil for Lauterbach this weekend and, while I couldn't go, I am able to sign an online petition  to show my support for changing this law. Join me, won't you? 

This makes me sad. Such elegance and grace in a politician, a heart that led her to do what was right, not popular, even if that meant she would follow in the steps of her father and brother before her. I still remember when she was first elected ... the furor over whether a female should rule Pakistan ... and in the end they got the best ruler in their tumultuous history. In they end, they destroyed that which could save them. Not the first time and certainly not the last but one that I feel deeply.

Stretched too thin, lots on my mind but no time. Nerves are rubbed raw. Feeling the need to pull in and conserve.

I'll be back when I have something meaningful to share. 

Several members of my family are in town this weekend. This is just what I didn't want.

I know. They are my family. But, you know what??  From the time I moved down here and was left stranded with the x and two babies (and through all the turmoil that ensued), my family was my babies. No one knew what I was going through, and it seemed like no one cared.

Well, my mother knew but she didn't tell anyone ... God forbid anyone know that things aren't perfect. My family is a family of secrets. When we are doing well, she brags about how great her kids are. When we are struggling, she avoids bringing us up. So when I was alone in a cold house with no heat and barely any food while the x was  out on the road sleeping his way across the country, she didn't let anyone know that I could use some help.  If she had,  maybe someone in the family would have told me that he was not worth staying married to, since most everyone else in the family knew he was cheating but I didn't.

Things like that just aren't talked about.

So excuse me if I don't want to spend too much time with my family.  I would rather spend time with my best friend, who is there for me through thick and thin, and my kids. That is my family ...  the people that I draw close when I need to be held, the ones that stick with me through thick and thin.

Got home later than I expected last night and felt like I had been hit with a Mack truck. Of course, I hadn't, just sat still for 4 hours after not stopping for 3 days. Only got lost a little. Let me tell you, Zebulon, NC, is a lovely little town but I didn't want to be driving through it at 6:00 last night, I just wanted to be home. Unfortunately, BR 64E is not the same as 64E and while they do eventually join together again (just after the aforementioned Zebulon, as a matter of fact) it took quite a bit longer than I thought it would.

I have played on the 360 for most of the day today, stopping only to take the girl to Old Navy to get her a t-shirt and then take her to her school for a concert. I just got in and, since the boy is asleep, I'm going to play a little more GH2 and rack up my last achievements of the day.

*famous last words*

A couple of weeks ago when T was down, I got an XBox Live Gamertag to play with on his 360.

Yesterday, it became official. I got my Christmas present early. Yup, I am the proud owner of my own 360. I'm officially next-gen.

I spent some time playing Beautiful Katamari tonight, one of the main reasons I wanted this system. I also have Marvel Ultimate Alliance, Forza (both of which came with the system), and Guitar Hero II. I feel as though my passion for gaming is coming back.

I have the best boyfriend.

One of my heroes, Norman Mailer, has passed.

An amazingly intuitive writer, brazen, brash and bold, he was honest in a way that made him enormously unpopular and revered at the same time, often by the same people. I only wish I could someday possess a glimmer of the genius that possessed him until the day he died.

As the article says, beautifully:  "We have only started to miss him."