Recently in Rants Category

The murder of marine Maria Lauterbach and her unborn baby has hit home with me. The fact that her murderer will only be charged with her murder is unbelievable. Now, I am fiercely pro-choice (and I'm sure we could all argue back and forth about this forever) but in the case of a murder of a pregnant mother, especially when the fetus is full term, it is a viable human being and should be protected as such by law.

There was a vigil for Lauterbach this weekend and, while I couldn't go, I am able to sign an online petition  to show my support for changing this law. Join me, won't you? 

Last week, I wrote a terse entry  from my favorite getaway spot. I had packed up the car with kids, presents and goodies to spend a restful holiday with T's family. I had looking forward to this weekend for months. My work situation has been brutal, grinding and soul-stomping since the beginning of this school year. With new administration and severe understaffing, even my pretty new library furnishings weren't enough to make me happy at my job and this frustration and unrest were carrying over into every aspect of my life. It was the reason I went back on anti-depressants (which are not working, btw) ... I was hoping they would take the edge off so that I could merely exist until I found a way to make it better.

Well, I thought I had found a way to make it better. A job at the county level opened up, one that I have been working toward for 5 years, one that I went back to grad school for a second time to get licensed for. The job description called for a Masters and a Licensure in one of two combinations ... either a Masters of Library Science and a Licensure in IT or a Masters in Instructional Technology and a Library Science Licensure ... I now have the first combo and am well qualified for the job. As soon as the opening was announced (back in October), I dropped off my resume and sat back to wait.

They finally set up an interview on the day after school let out. In the meantime, I heard several things ... that the job description was being rewritten to focus more on the Library Science and less on the IT (which should have tipped me off), that the pool of candidates was very small, that the technicians were behind me candidacy. All of this should have told me to stop hoping. My gut kept warning me but I let a hopeful thought or two in and began to think I actually had a chance.

When I went for the interview, I was ready, relaxed and rehearsed. I don't do well in interview situations, getting far too nervous and passionate when I speak and easily getting sidetracked. I felt confident, though, even though I was going into a situation not knowing who my interviewers would be.  When I walked in, I found I would be interviewed by two people I knew ... the one that would be making the ultimate decision and a professor from ECU whose class I had thoroughly enjoyed getting an A in. I thought the interview went well, though my 'boss' yawned a few times while I was answering questions, something the professor caught and looked concerned about.

I should have been concerned. I should have known going in that it was a lost cause. I should have noticed when he looked down his nose at me before I left in that he had no respect for me and no intention of taking my candidacy seriously. I should have known that, in this political world where you change your ideals depending on who you are talking to, that my annoying habit of speaking my mind and being strong in my convictions of wanting to serve the children of our county would not go over well.

I found out via email that I didn't get the job. I lost to a sleeper candidate, someone that does not have my qualifications but someone that will make her boss look good. She doesn't need the job or the money but she fills a need for him that I don't. Eventually, I will be able to live with that but right now, I'm on my indignant high horse, full of venomous thoughts and toxic anger.  My holiday escape was wrecked. I spent most of last Saturday in tears, unable to have any fun during a youth group get-together. Sunday was supposed to be a joyful, reverent performance at church, followed by family time ... poor T was relegated to the supportive boyfriend role (which he is awesome at), watching me bob about in an emotional sea of angst.

Yes, I have ideals that I will not give up, no matter how tempting the job is. Yes, I have moral fiber, despite the fact that I do not fit into the mold of other candidates. I don't know how, but I get the feeling that the fact that I am a single mom of kids that some would consider mixed-race, that I do not 'come from around here' topped by the fact that I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can not be broken by anything or anyone (witness my escape from my marriage) made me unpopular with certain people. 

The irony that I have helped several people that are above me get to where they are is not lost on me. This whole situation reeks of politics.  Why bring in someone that could actually help the department if they are going to make you look bad?  I have been told over and over not to take this personally but I can't help it.  I was hoping it would not be personal but that email told me it was.

I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that I can't keep fighting this fight if it is going to hurt my kids in the end. Just under a week before I go back to work. I'm reviewing my options but, at the moment, I'm unable to do anything because everyone is off enjoying their vacation, which is what I should be doing.





 

Several members of my family are in town this weekend. This is just what I didn't want.

I know. They are my family. But, you know what??  From the time I moved down here and was left stranded with the x and two babies (and through all the turmoil that ensued), my family was my babies. No one knew what I was going through, and it seemed like no one cared.

Well, my mother knew but she didn't tell anyone ... God forbid anyone know that things aren't perfect. My family is a family of secrets. When we are doing well, she brags about how great her kids are. When we are struggling, she avoids bringing us up. So when I was alone in a cold house with no heat and barely any food while the x was  out on the road sleeping his way across the country, she didn't let anyone know that I could use some help.  If she had,  maybe someone in the family would have told me that he was not worth staying married to, since most everyone else in the family knew he was cheating but I didn't.

Things like that just aren't talked about.

So excuse me if I don't want to spend too much time with my family.  I would rather spend time with my best friend, who is there for me through thick and thin, and my kids. That is my family ...  the people that I draw close when I need to be held, the ones that stick with me through thick and thin.

Dear Diary,
Today I stood up for myself and promptly got backslapped into last week. That'll learn me ...


Yeah, you might be able to tell I'm in a mood. I'm angry, hurt and frustrated beyond reason. Working alone is wearing on me and today I realized that, not only am I working alone but no one really cares. I spend all day, every day, saying yes to people and the one time I say no, they go running to the principal to get their way. What's worse is that she listened to them without finding out my side of the story or taking into account that I HAVE BEEN WORKING ALONE FOR A MONTH and can not even go to the bathroom when I need to.

At our conference, I heard over and over again how other MCs are being disrespected, left understaffed and overwhelmed on a daily basis. My frustration isn't new or unique but I take these slights on a deeper, more personal level. I don't think anyone knows how much I put into this job or just how much there IS to doing this job. I don't complain because I know everyone else is in the same boat as I am and I am supposed to be a TEAM member ... not everyone feels that way, though, and people like me, the nurturers that give of themselves, get pushed aside while others use us to get their needs met.

Anywhoo ... I spent most of the afternoon in tears, glad I have sent my resume out and willing the phone to ring. I have given my heart and soul to turn this school into something everyone could be proud of yet I can't even enjoy  working there. Going to drown my sorrows in Twizzlers and Katamari tonight and get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

I've been a Guitar Hero fan since I got it for my better half. I didn't think I could play it, being that I'm incompetent at most things that require more finesse than button mashing, but I have actually been able to enjoy myself. My secret ... don't push myself to the point of frustration, which means I'll 5 star all the songs on Medium, thank you, and be happy with that. Plus, it's a great family game that allows me to share some great songs with my kids.

We've played through GH, GHII and GH Encore: Rock the 80's and, though 80's was light on content, we have enjoyed them all. We have eagerly awaited GHIII and,since T was in town on release day, we stood in line at midnight to get his reserved copy for the 360. At the time, I didn't have the 360 and I was relegated to playing backup which, by the way, was fine for me. I like playing bass to his lead. Now, I knew that since Neversoft was involved there would be changes but I didn't know, really, what to expect.

What I saw disappointed and angered me. Not only do we have the addition of useless, clumsily animated 'Bow-chika-bow-wow girls' on stage gyrating out of time (it's RATM, for God's sake, ladies, at least pick the pace up!), but the female characters are not the strong rocker chicks that I used to be able to back.

Judy Nails, a former punk tomboy, is all about showing off the bouncy boob physics engine that is so popular nowadays. Casey Lynch, who T used to like to call Heroine Chic, is also glammed up, with straightened blond hair and sporting a girlie bustier ... what the ... didn't she used to be hardcore?  Also, can I just say ... Midori? I'm all about some diversity (thank you for bringing Xavier back) but ... MIDORI?? *sigh* 

What ever happened to the easy going non-sexism that launched the franchise into the stratosphere? Wasn't it perfect them Harmonix was focusing on the music and not just targeting 18-30 year old males but engaging a broader spectrum of audience? I thought Neversoft did a decent job with the Tony Hawk franchise but they seem to forget that there are girls, women, moms, grandmas out there that like to rock (and skateboard, for that matter).

I know, I know ... quit'cher bitchin' and just choose a different character. I do. I usually play as Xavier because he is the essence of cool for me. But what about my 14 year old daughter, who likes to play as a girl? Gone is her favorite punk, Judy Nails. She's stuck with Midori's puffs and backpack or Casey's new sell-out, sexier look. 

I've pretty much kept my mouth shut about this because every time I mention it, I get challenged and I begin to feel as though I'm being close-minded and maybe just a little old-fashioned. For the record, I know I'm not, but I hear so many excuses for and hardly any voices against that I start to think that it's just me. I feel better now, though. Jane over at Game Girl Advance has spoken out on 1UP Yours and written "My Guitar Heroes - and Heroines" and, while I don't agree with all of her guitar heroes, it's nice to see that I'm not totally alone in thinking this game has gone in the wrong direction when it comes to sexism in gaming.

Rock Band ... save us ... remind us that it's really all about the music.

So we are driving home this afternoon and there was a commercial on the radio for a child support collection agency. When they mention that you qualify for their service if you are owed more than $5000 in back child support, I casually say that it's too bad the x only owes us $4000 or I could use that company. Ha ha!

My son, just as casually, says that his dad said he isn't going to pay any more than the court makes him, even if he gets the "new job making a lot of money"  (put in quotes because I am very doubtful that it even exists right now), because he wants to be sure that I don't spend all the child support money on myself.

Immediately, my hackles go up. I'm already in traffic at the end of an 11 hour day which included giving blood, choking down lunch in 5 minutes, teaching 4 classes and checking out close to 500 books. To spare you any more numerical details, I'll just say that the child support he does pay barely pays for groceries every month.  It's not like its enough for me to do anything else with it ... trust me, a trip to the Bahamas is right out. Besides, I'm too busy spending my own money on electricity, phone, DISH, mortgage, car payment, insurance (house, car, health, vision, dental, life AND disability), taxes, doctor bills, clothes, lunch money, school supplies, field trips as well as putting some away every month in a college savings fund. All of which benefits the kids, BTW.

Will I call him on this? Confront him for being so bitter and jealous of me that he has to try to cut me down? Prolly not. I would have to admit that the boy told me of their conversation and that would put the boy in an uncomfortable position. It would also tip the x off that I am getting 'reports' from the kids on what he says and how he acts, which could lead to him not being as open with details, cutting off my only source of intel on the enemy. Not smart.

What I will probably end up doing is taking him to court as soon as he gets that "better paying job", get the payments increased and if he needs proof of my monthly expenses, I have got everything down in black and white and I would be only too happy to cram it down his lying, slanderous throat.

 

"You can not control  the actions of others; you can only control your reaction to their actions."
                                                                                                    -Dr. B


I have kind of a long story to get out so I may condense but who knows ... once I start writing, I may decide this needs a full rant.

Anyone that knows me knows I am a gentle, patient person. I believe that there is good in everyone and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. The fact that I stayed married for to an abusive, domineering, narcissistic misogynist for 15 years proves that I will do almost anything to try to make things work out. Since my divorce, though, I have had to be stronger, removing toxic relationships from my life and doing anything to make sure my kids are provided for. I don't rely on anyone because, in the end, I'm the only one I can always rely on.

Over the past few years, my life has taken a turn for the better. I got a stable job and I do it well. I've gotten my Masters AND a licensure on top of that, going to school and working full time,  keeping my eyes on the prize. Now I have a house and I'm paying my bills and doing it, for real for real ... without much help at all from the X.

The X ...  over the past few years, his life has steadily gone downhill. He's had a few jobs, lost his CDL license, gotten behind in all his bills. He even took me to court to cut his child support in half ... and I, in my stupid charitable way, allowed him to do this because if I didn't, he would have ended up in jail and nothing would be gained by that.

About 2 or 3 months ago, he let me know that he had been contacted by a certain agency that has interests overseas and they wanted to hire him as a translator ... the up side, lots of money ... the downside, umm, war.  He could be gone for a year or two and, honestly, there is a very real possibility that he will not come back.

I made peace with this reality surprisingly quickly. I'm not proud.

This week,  I have been helping him renew his passport so I have talked to him more over the past 7 days than I have for a year, and maybe that's why I came to this point. On top of working 12 hour days to get my library put back together, I'm dealing with him, filling out and printing applications and listening to his inane chatter while I'm looking up information for him online and explaining the SAME FRACKIN' THING over and over again because he is too DENSE to get it!!!! 

*whew* yeah, maybe I should have let him know I've going back on meds and he maybe should not push me around just now until I stabilize.

Maybe it's the meds. Maybe I'm just exhausted. Maybe I just could not stomach one more person not appreciating me. Maybe, just maybe, I have a lot of spiritual work to do.

Earlier today, I realized that we would all be better off if he didn't come home from this job and, as soon as I said it out loud, I realized how ugly that was, how very un-Christian ... and I felt ashamed.   I was disappointed in myself. Once I caught myself, I had resolved to be more charitable and patient with him. And then he calls and acts like a total prick. And I tried my hardest to not be rational and patient and listen but he plucked my last nerve.

He called me tonight after I picked up my very angry son and told me some things. Like how I should raise my son.  Like how I ignore him and spend all my time with my daughter. Like how the boy is scared to tell me that he has a girlfriend.  Like how its my fault he's an angry 15 year old.

I went off on him, something I almost never do. I'd had enough.  No one tells me how to raise my children, especially  someone who HASN'T RAISED A CHILD. He has the luxury of being the boy's friend because he's not there to deal with the consequences. He can do things against my wishes because he thinks I won't find out. More than that, he thinks I won't fight back. Well, tonight I did.


And now I'm back to where I was earlier. A very, very ugly place. And God doesn't like ugly.

Last month was tight. Like ... wait-until-after-payday-to-buy-groceries-and-fill-the-tank tight. Like ... lose-sleep-stressing-how-to-make-it tight. Luckily, it's about time for my yearly raise.

Payday came, I saw the raise and almost immediately relaxed. The extra would help me breathe a little easier, especially with all the medical bills I have to face. 

Tonight, though, I lost my raise. In a blink, I've got to pay for Japanese workbooks for my son ($49), a performance dress ($94) and a gym uniform ($20) for my daughter, not to mention the school fees, school supplies and clothes I had promised to buy after payday ...

My head hurts ... my shoulders feel like they are up around my ears ... and I'm angry.


I resent my ex for his lack of contribution to the support of his children. His bi-monthly payments are measly and his interaction with them is minimal. He still sees them as they were when he left them ... a bright, funny 1st grade little girl and a serious, smart 2nd grade little boy.

Unfortunately, they are high schoolers now, talking about cars and college and oh. my. god. my daughter is turning 14 in just over a week and I don't even know how I will pay my bills this month, never mind get her a present.

And what will he get her? Nothing. He won't even remember her birthday. Asshole.

Let me preface this by saying that I have a sneaking suspicion that I am more OCD than I've ever admitted to being, so let's not even go there.


One of my first jobs was at McDonald's. Now, while it was a sucktastic job, I believe working there taught me some valuable lessons. "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean."  Sound familiar? I credit that job with helping me develop a good work ethic ... at the same time, I blame it for making me a more demanding boss/parent.

I'll admit that I am a perfectionist. I am very picky in that I believe there is a proper way of doing things and, once you learn how to do something right, there is no reason to do it wrong ever again, unless you are extremely lazy. Or disrespectful. OR you are trying, in a passive aggressive way, to let someone know you don't want to do the job.

I also believe in efficiency. If you know there is a proper (and safe) way of doing something right, why on earth would you waste your energy (and that of those around you) by doing something wrong, only to have to go back and correct it later?
 
With that said ....


I am sick and tired of bing the only person in this house that knows how to do anything right. Granted, I am the adult and I am supposed to be teaching everyone else but ... you would think that after 13-15 years of living with me, some basic housekeeping skills would have rubbed off. I will say that I am more of a stickler now that I own my own home but I attribute that to Pride of Ownership and I thought *erroneously* that would rub off on those around me. I just don't get it.

You take out the trash? Replace the trash bag.

You do laundry? Separate whites and darks unless you are doing your own clothes and you don't care ... then do NOT come to me complaining that your purple sheets ran all over your white towels.  But me ... I CARE.

Feed the cats? Pick up any food you spill. ANTS, people.

Something is on the floor. PICK IT UP!!!

Dirty dishes?  Rinse and put them in the dishwasher. Dishwasher done? EMPTY IT.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

HOW FRACKING HARD IS THIS?????



*sigh*


It's not just housework. I'm getting a good picture of how life is going to be for the next 2 weeks after the surgery. The house will fall in disrepair because I will be unable to lift anything more than 10 lbs. and my frustration level will skyrocket until I lose my temper (like I just did) and push myself and do too much (like I just did *ow*).  There are still boxes everywhere and the carpet needs to be vacuumed and shampooed again and the kitchen needs to be mopped because one of the cats puked and NO ONE BOTHERED TO CLEAN IT WHEN THEY SAW IT HAPPEN.

It's going to be worse when I get back to work ... I'll have nowhere to escape.  I have an entire library to put back together and if I can't lift anything more than 10 lbs. for the next 6 weeks, I'm screwed. The people I work with are worse than my kids. My kids will actually do things for me because they love me (or I pay them or guilt them into doing it). The people at work could care less.  It's not their 'job'.  I'm screwed.


There must be something wrong with me. Explains a lot about my failed marriage, failed friendships, failed family relations. I must have incredibly high standards. No wonder no one can stand to be with me for very long. I have no patience for feigned ineptitude and I hate Hate HATE repeating myself. I'll forgive an accident in a heartbeat ... a mistake with a true apology, no problem ... but not doing something that needs to be done when it affects the other people in your home or workplace? I just don't get it.  There are boxes everywhere that need to be unpacked (or at least moved to where they need to go so I can unpack them) and no one offers to lift a finger to help me. And here I am ... needing help desperately, but too proud (or too afraid) to ask. 



UPDATE:  I'm sitting here, angrier and even more frustrated.  Honestly ... sometimes I think I'm not wired right to be a parent. I keep telling myself that I'm not supposed to be their friend but it hurts me so much when they disrespect me. A glare is like a slap in the face, after all I've done and all we've been through and I know I should just be able to shake this off but I can't. Not now. Not when I need my family around me.

What set me off today? I needed to go to the store. I spent the morning waiting for the girl to wake up so she could go with me. She finally gets up (when the phone rings) and talks until she jumps in the shower. She gets out of the shower (I'm still waiting) and gets back on the phone. I'm cleaning, puttering around, waiting for her. Next thing I know, she's planning to go to the movies.  No "I have to help my mom today". Not even a "Let me ask my mom." 

And me? This is the girl we're talking about. If anyone knows and cares how I'm feeling, its her. She spent 7 hours with me at doctors offices yesterday and all day, I kept saying "We'll have to do that tomorrow."  I'm hurt.

Her excuse? She forgot I can't lift anything.  She figured I could go out by myself and pick her up when I was done.


I thought by being a selfless parent I was setting a good example but I think I've just set myself up for disappointment.  I just want someone to think about what I need first for once ... and not just so they can get something they want. Is that too much to ask?  I'm always trying to make everyone happy, keep everyone in a good mood but what ends up happening is I end up angry and resentful until I finally blow. Which happened this afternoon. And I can't seem to recover. 
 

Nothing like moving your household to make you realize just how much crap you have.

There is also nothing like trying to move your house to make you realize just how very much work there is to be done ... far too much for one person. I have let my kids pack and prepare their own rooms ... but it's been almost 2 weeks now and we get a truck on Monday and, honestly, its taken me almost a week to get my room packed. Of course, we spent several days painting the new house but ... who's going to do the rest of the house? Why me, of course. The bath? yup, that would be me, too. Kitchen also, and living room. Closets, laundry room, attic, shed ... all on me.

I'm planning on having a yard sale on Saturday to get rid of the biggest crap. Much of the smaller crappity crap is being tossed.

Oh, and what about the matter of cleaning this house after we finish moving?

*le sigh* Crappity crap crap.

Yes, I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, slightly emotional but more melancholy than that, realizing how I really can not count on anyone to just pitch in and do what needs to be done. Dishes piling up? Litter box full? Laundry?

*le heavier sigh*

I just want it all to be over and done with. I can't wait until I sleep through the night at my new house and wake up without aching knees, without anything to do that would require me to down a handful of Advil just to be able to do it.

Almost there, I really am. Just a few more days and it'll be over and I'll be home. Prayers of strength and patience are needed. If you could see yourself clear to offer a few words of grace, I would greatly appreciate it.