Recently in Whine Category

It's my fault he did it, because I went out to the car and left him alone in the house.At least that's what he said.

About 4 inches long and an inch or so wide, the hole in my wall is going to take some patching. I'm not doing it.  If he wants to ball his 16 year old fists like a man, then he can spackle like a man.

I've been crying for four hours today. worse than yesterday, though yesterday I slept away the stress instead of crying. The day before I had a few crying jags and a heaping helping of insomnia. This recent bout of teenage assholery is wearing me down. I'm ready for boot camp. Or a therapist. Both for him, natch. I'll be right as rain once all this stops.


Seriously, I divorced the X because of the emotional bullying and I was feeling it again tonight. Blaming me for making him lose his temper. Guilting me into apologizing when I was the one being attacked.  Making me afraid to say anything for fear of starting another argument. I've just shut down over the past few days. I can't fall into the pattern of withdrawal for protection again, not from a 16 year old. This is my house. My rules. My family.

Damn, I hope this hole can be fixed.

Remember that funk I plunged into around the holidays? The one that was triggered by me not getting a certain job?
 Yeah, well, I figured that time would heal my bruised ego. For the past two months I've let myself wallow, I've gotten angry, I've let the tears come, I've been proactive (looking for another job, rewriting my CV, etc.), I've even *gasp* asked others for support. I've flogged myself for having faith, I've prayed for strength, I've rationalized, reconciled, then resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck where I am, that no amount of wishing will make this better. And I sat back to wait.

Yup, you guessed it. I'm still waiting.

I've had a chance to see the *winning* candidate in action and every time, I'm left with an "OMG, WTF were they thinking?!?!?!" in a big ol' invisible speech bubble over my head. I'm sure it's written on my face, too, which is why I can't look either the hirer or the hiree in the eye. Unfortunately, I've been the center of a very important state evaluation and have had them underfoot (and in my face) several times over the past week.

Today was the worst, though. We had a scheduled committee meeting to which exactly three people showed up.  I was one. Guess who the other two were.  Go ahead, take a wild stab at it.

*sigh*

I came out of there, got in the car, slammed the door and yelled "I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!" ... took a deep cleansing breath ... turned on the music really loud and drove off to go pick up my kids.

I don't know what else to do, really. Since revenge is generally frowned upon in civilized society (and it will not give me any lasting peace), I'm out of ideas.  I'm trying to be a good person, I really am.


"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent.
Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever.
The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not."

Henry David Thoreau

I love my kids. I really do.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, especially times like these when I'm sick again. This cold already made a trip through the house, first catching the girl, then me, then the boy. Out of the blue, the girl got sick again this weekend and I made the mistake of letting her crawl in my bed for most of Sunday. When I woke up Monday morning, I was short of breath and woozy, by noon I was fading fast. I did some quick calling around, trying to find a substitute for the next day, and by the time I finally got home that night, I fell apart. The girl coughed so hard she threw up and I could barely stand up long enough to help and comfort her.

Yesterday I spent the day immobile, unable to lift my head off the pillow.  Muscle aches, coughing so hard I have bodily fluids squirting out of everywhere (ewwww!!) ... by noon it became apparent to me that i wouldn't be able to work today either. It took me a couple of hours to find a phone so I could call work ... if the substitute was bad, I was going to try to go in today. Luckily, the person that came in was good; he had subbed in a Media Center before and I asked if he could cover for me today also.

So, I'm home for my second day. Maybe today I can actually eat something and try to get my strength back. Or I may just sleep the day away. Lots of things I should do but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm home SICK for a reason ... because I'm SICK.

Ok, gonna get some more ice for my water and maybe some dry cereal. And get back to bed.

Several members of my family are in town this weekend. This is just what I didn't want.

I know. They are my family. But, you know what??  From the time I moved down here and was left stranded with the x and two babies (and through all the turmoil that ensued), my family was my babies. No one knew what I was going through, and it seemed like no one cared.

Well, my mother knew but she didn't tell anyone ... God forbid anyone know that things aren't perfect. My family is a family of secrets. When we are doing well, she brags about how great her kids are. When we are struggling, she avoids bringing us up. So when I was alone in a cold house with no heat and barely any food while the x was  out on the road sleeping his way across the country, she didn't let anyone know that I could use some help.  If she had,  maybe someone in the family would have told me that he was not worth staying married to, since most everyone else in the family knew he was cheating but I didn't.

Things like that just aren't talked about.

So excuse me if I don't want to spend too much time with my family.  I would rather spend time with my best friend, who is there for me through thick and thin, and my kids. That is my family ...  the people that I draw close when I need to be held, the ones that stick with me through thick and thin.

Exhausted tonight. Work is draining, the girl has a friend over and the boy is playing GHII, hogging the TV. I feel like the Grinch, complaining about all the noise, Noise, NOISE, NOISE!! I could nap right now but its early and I've got laundry and cleaning to do. Oh, yeah, and the noise.

T comes tomorrow. I know I shouldn't cling to our visit like I do but I can't help it. It's the only time I feel centered, safe ... almost balanced.

You know how people always say "it's got to get better, because it can't get any worse?" when things are going badly, as thought that will make you feel better?  Well, I'm saying right now, the  next person that tells me that is going to get punched in the throat. For reals.


Off to my zen.

*rollin', rollin', rollin' ... *

Dear Diary,
Today I stood up for myself and promptly got backslapped into last week. That'll learn me ...


Yeah, you might be able to tell I'm in a mood. I'm angry, hurt and frustrated beyond reason. Working alone is wearing on me and today I realized that, not only am I working alone but no one really cares. I spend all day, every day, saying yes to people and the one time I say no, they go running to the principal to get their way. What's worse is that she listened to them without finding out my side of the story or taking into account that I HAVE BEEN WORKING ALONE FOR A MONTH and can not even go to the bathroom when I need to.

At our conference, I heard over and over again how other MCs are being disrespected, left understaffed and overwhelmed on a daily basis. My frustration isn't new or unique but I take these slights on a deeper, more personal level. I don't think anyone knows how much I put into this job or just how much there IS to doing this job. I don't complain because I know everyone else is in the same boat as I am and I am supposed to be a TEAM member ... not everyone feels that way, though, and people like me, the nurturers that give of themselves, get pushed aside while others use us to get their needs met.

Anywhoo ... I spent most of the afternoon in tears, glad I have sent my resume out and willing the phone to ring. I have given my heart and soul to turn this school into something everyone could be proud of yet I can't even enjoy  working there. Going to drown my sorrows in Twizzlers and Katamari tonight and get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Feeling kind of icky today. You know, if I wasn't doing NaBloPoMo, I would just curl up in bed, read a book, perhaps catch Monday night TV and hit the hay early instead of post about it.

Sorry. You even get me when I'm boring and grumpy. Just for this month though. I promise that when this is over, I'll be properly reclusive when I feel like crap. Pinky swear.

It has been a rough week. My assistant came back today but the bookkeeper is out with a torn ligament in her knee so she got stuck up in the office all day. I found out when she came over the loudspeaker and announced that the media center would be closed during my classes. Just rolled with it.

My classes were over at about 10:30 and one of the teachers came down to let me know that there was a problem with our reading software. The good news was that the problem can be fixed, just some corrupt records in the database and I have a utility that can fix it. The bad news is that the entire school has to get out of the program before I can run the utility.

You think this would be easy but it never is. I usually wait until the end of the day and have the office announce that everyone has to get out off of the network and shut down the computers. Now, that is a bit of overkill but if I don't do that, there will inevitably be at least one teacher that thinks that minimizing the program (or shutting off the monitor) means it is closed.

I emailed the teachers to let them know that we would be shutting down at the end of the day and then the office to ask them to announce at 2 and then again at 2:45 so I could start the utility at 3. 2 came and went, then 2:15, then 2:30 ... I called the office to ask them to announce. Finally, about 2:40, they announced that there was a jewelery party in the media center and a 3rd - 5th grade team meeting in the Conference room.

I called them back to remind them about my announcement and finally, about 2:50, they announced  it. At 3, I tied to launch the program. No dice, someone was still in. I went through the building, room by room, checking each computer. After finding 3 still in the program and shutting them down, I tried to launch again ... no luck. Back to the classrooms, to the other building, every computer I could think of. By this time, it's close to 3:45 and I'm frustrated beyond belief. Finally, in a second grade class, I found the computer ... monitor off, frozen in the program. The class had a substitute and I should have double checked after her.

Feeling stupid, I went back to the media center to get the utility running. Walking by the jewelery 'party', I hear someone exclaim that the tap on the punch jug had fallen off and it was starting to overflow onto the rug. My new rug.  Someone laughed while someone else tried to fix it and all I can hear is something splashing and I want to cry.

Stepping into my office, I shut the door and click the icon. The utility runs no problem. I feel like crying. After a while, I do.


Tomorrow is another day. Assemblies in the morning (I get to call the kids up that passed their reading goals) and flu shot in the afternoon. I will most likely feel like crying tomorrow too.




 

Ok, I said yesterday that I was feeling overwhelmed at work and extremely tired. Mostly that's because my assistant is out of town and I've been flat out crazy-busy at work. Above and beyond that, though, I've been missing having the support of my assistant for a while now.

Since she got the job last year, J and I have become friends. Honestly, when I first met her, she and her husband were co-presidents of the PTA and I was a new Media Coordinator at this school. I knew within a few minutes of talking with her that we would be friends. She just had a familiar way about her and no wonder ... we're both from Massachusetts. She is quick to laugh and, since I use humor to both cover my insecurity and express my real feelings, I quickly found out she is a great foil for me.

When she got the job as my assistant 2 years ago, I was hopeful that we would work well together. She learned pretty quickly and, though she can be ditsy at times, she tried hard to keep up with me. This has been a rough year for her, though, and I'm feeling it at work.

Last spring, after struggling with health problems all year, she found she needed to have surgery over the summer and would not be able to lift anything for 6 weeks. This, of course, meant she couldn't help me at all with packing the media center for the renovation. Why, yes, I did have to have surgery, too, thanks for asking. She did try when we came back to school in August but with new administration, she was pulled more and more to stay up in the office. For much of the year, I've been left alone down in the media center and when she does come down, it's as though she's not sure what she should do anymore.

Her family life has been a big distraction for her too. He husband lost his job suddenly and much, if not all, of her focus has been on keeping him together. 

Maybe its me but when I get to work, I try to forget about life outside school. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function. J is the exact opposite. She can't function unless she is dealing with her problems, whether or not it is the appropriate time.  Is there an appropriate time to deal with personal problems in a professional  environment?

Anywhoo ...   Her husband for a new job ... in NH ... and he started yesterday. J flew up with him to help him get settled and I'm sure after coming home after midnight tonight, she will be a wreck tomorrow. While she has been gone for the past 2 days, though, I have gone through an awful lot of her work (since I'm stuck at her desk all day) and I hope I have gotten her back on track and laid out enough work for the next week that she won't have to wonder what to do next.  I'm so aggravated with how things are going at work that I don't want to take it out on her and I know I'm going to have to lock myself in my office for a few days before I go to the conference next week.

Oh yeah, live blogging from the conference, bay-bee!

Oh, and I dropped off my resume to central office and I'm waiting to hear back about an interview. Yeah, back where I was 2 years ago. *le sigh*

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to post something every day for a month. I promised myself when I started that that I wouldn't take any shortcuts but ...here I go ...

<whine>I'm tiiiired!</whine>

Sorry, lemme see if I can rest a bit and elaborate. It was really an overwhelming day.

Thanks for understanding.