Recently in Work Category
Remember that funk I plunged into around the holidays? The one that was triggered by me not getting a certain job?
Yeah, well, I figured that time would heal my bruised ego. For the past two months I've let myself wallow, I've gotten angry, I've let the tears come, I've been proactive (looking for another job, rewriting my CV, etc.), I've even *gasp* asked others for support. I've flogged myself for having faith, I've prayed for strength, I've rationalized, reconciled, then resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck where I am, that no amount of wishing will make this better. And I sat back to wait.
Yup, you guessed it. I'm still waiting.
I've had a chance to see the *winning* candidate in action and every time, I'm left with an "OMG, WTF were they thinking?!?!?!" in a big ol' invisible speech bubble over my head. I'm sure it's written on my face, too, which is why I can't look either the hirer or the hiree in the eye. Unfortunately, I've been the center of a very important state evaluation and have had them underfoot (and in my face) several times over the past week.
Today was the worst, though. We had a scheduled committee meeting to which exactly three people showed up. I was one. Guess who the other two were. Go ahead, take a wild stab at it.
*sigh*
I came out of there, got in the car, slammed the door and yelled "I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!" ... took a deep cleansing breath ... turned on the music really loud and drove off to go pick up my kids.
I don't know what else to do, really. Since revenge is generally frowned upon in civilized society (and it will not give me any lasting peace), I'm out of ideas. I'm trying to be a good person, I really am.
"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent.
Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever.
The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not."
Henry David Thoreau
Yeah, well, I figured that time would heal my bruised ego. For the past two months I've let myself wallow, I've gotten angry, I've let the tears come, I've been proactive (looking for another job, rewriting my CV, etc.), I've even *gasp* asked others for support. I've flogged myself for having faith, I've prayed for strength, I've rationalized, reconciled, then resigned myself to the fact that I'm stuck where I am, that no amount of wishing will make this better. And I sat back to wait.
Yup, you guessed it. I'm still waiting.
I've had a chance to see the *winning* candidate in action and every time, I'm left with an "OMG, WTF were they thinking?!?!?!" in a big ol' invisible speech bubble over my head. I'm sure it's written on my face, too, which is why I can't look either the hirer or the hiree in the eye. Unfortunately, I've been the center of a very important state evaluation and have had them underfoot (and in my face) several times over the past week.
Today was the worst, though. We had a scheduled committee meeting to which exactly three people showed up. I was one. Guess who the other two were. Go ahead, take a wild stab at it.
*sigh*
I came out of there, got in the car, slammed the door and yelled "I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM!!!" ... took a deep cleansing breath ... turned on the music really loud and drove off to go pick up my kids.
I don't know what else to do, really. Since revenge is generally frowned upon in civilized society (and it will not give me any lasting peace), I'm out of ideas. I'm trying to be a good person, I really am.
"Only nature has a right to grieve perpetually, for she only is innocent.
Soon the ice will melt, and the blackbirds sing along the river which he frequented, as pleasantly as ever.
The same everlasting serenity will appear in this face of God, and we will not be sorrowful, if he is not."
Henry David Thoreau
Last week, I wrote a terse entry from my favorite getaway spot. I had packed up the car with kids, presents and goodies to spend a restful holiday with T's family. I had looking forward to this weekend for months. My work situation has been brutal, grinding and soul-stomping since the beginning of this school year. With new administration and severe understaffing, even my pretty new library furnishings weren't enough to make me happy at my job and this frustration and unrest were carrying over into every aspect of my life. It was the reason I went back on anti-depressants (which are not working, btw) ... I was hoping they would take the edge off so that I could merely exist until I found a way to make it better.
Well, I thought I had found a way to make it better. A job at the county level opened up, one that I have been working toward for 5 years, one that I went back to grad school for a second time to get licensed for. The job description called for a Masters and a Licensure in one of two combinations ... either a Masters of Library Science and a Licensure in IT or a Masters in Instructional Technology and a Library Science Licensure ... I now have the first combo and am well qualified for the job. As soon as the opening was announced (back in October), I dropped off my resume and sat back to wait.
They finally set up an interview on the day after school let out. In the meantime, I heard several things ... that the job description was being rewritten to focus more on the Library Science and less on the IT (which should have tipped me off), that the pool of candidates was very small, that the technicians were behind me candidacy. All of this should have told me to stop hoping. My gut kept warning me but I let a hopeful thought or two in and began to think I actually had a chance.
When I went for the interview, I was ready, relaxed and rehearsed. I don't do well in interview situations, getting far too nervous and passionate when I speak and easily getting sidetracked. I felt confident, though, even though I was going into a situation not knowing who my interviewers would be. When I walked in, I found I would be interviewed by two people I knew ... the one that would be making the ultimate decision and a professor from ECU whose class I had thoroughly enjoyed getting an A in. I thought the interview went well, though my 'boss' yawned a few times while I was answering questions, something the professor caught and looked concerned about.
I should have been concerned. I should have known going in that it was a lost cause. I should have noticed when he looked down his nose at me before I left in that he had no respect for me and no intention of taking my candidacy seriously. I should have known that, in this political world where you change your ideals depending on who you are talking to, that my annoying habit of speaking my mind and being strong in my convictions of wanting to serve the children of our county would not go over well.
I found out via email that I didn't get the job. I lost to a sleeper candidate, someone that does not have my qualifications but someone that will make her boss look good. She doesn't need the job or the money but she fills a need for him that I don't. Eventually, I will be able to live with that but right now, I'm on my indignant high horse, full of venomous thoughts and toxic anger. My holiday escape was wrecked. I spent most of last Saturday in tears, unable to have any fun during a youth group get-together. Sunday was supposed to be a joyful, reverent performance at church, followed by family time ... poor T was relegated to the supportive boyfriend role (which he is awesome at), watching me bob about in an emotional sea of angst.
Yes, I have ideals that I will not give up, no matter how tempting the job is. Yes, I have moral fiber, despite the fact that I do not fit into the mold of other candidates. I don't know how, but I get the feeling that the fact that I am a single mom of kids that some would consider mixed-race, that I do not 'come from around here' topped by the fact that I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can not be broken by anything or anyone (witness my escape from my marriage) made me unpopular with certain people.
The irony that I have helped several people that are above me get to where they are is not lost on me. This whole situation reeks of politics. Why bring in someone that could actually help the department if they are going to make you look bad? I have been told over and over not to take this personally but I can't help it. I was hoping it would not be personal but that email told me it was.
I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that I can't keep fighting this fight if it is going to hurt my kids in the end. Just under a week before I go back to work. I'm reviewing my options but, at the moment, I'm unable to do anything because everyone is off enjoying their vacation, which is what I should be doing.
Well, I thought I had found a way to make it better. A job at the county level opened up, one that I have been working toward for 5 years, one that I went back to grad school for a second time to get licensed for. The job description called for a Masters and a Licensure in one of two combinations ... either a Masters of Library Science and a Licensure in IT or a Masters in Instructional Technology and a Library Science Licensure ... I now have the first combo and am well qualified for the job. As soon as the opening was announced (back in October), I dropped off my resume and sat back to wait.
They finally set up an interview on the day after school let out. In the meantime, I heard several things ... that the job description was being rewritten to focus more on the Library Science and less on the IT (which should have tipped me off), that the pool of candidates was very small, that the technicians were behind me candidacy. All of this should have told me to stop hoping. My gut kept warning me but I let a hopeful thought or two in and began to think I actually had a chance.
When I went for the interview, I was ready, relaxed and rehearsed. I don't do well in interview situations, getting far too nervous and passionate when I speak and easily getting sidetracked. I felt confident, though, even though I was going into a situation not knowing who my interviewers would be. When I walked in, I found I would be interviewed by two people I knew ... the one that would be making the ultimate decision and a professor from ECU whose class I had thoroughly enjoyed getting an A in. I thought the interview went well, though my 'boss' yawned a few times while I was answering questions, something the professor caught and looked concerned about.
I should have been concerned. I should have known going in that it was a lost cause. I should have noticed when he looked down his nose at me before I left in that he had no respect for me and no intention of taking my candidacy seriously. I should have known that, in this political world where you change your ideals depending on who you are talking to, that my annoying habit of speaking my mind and being strong in my convictions of wanting to serve the children of our county would not go over well.
I found out via email that I didn't get the job. I lost to a sleeper candidate, someone that does not have my qualifications but someone that will make her boss look good. She doesn't need the job or the money but she fills a need for him that I don't. Eventually, I will be able to live with that but right now, I'm on my indignant high horse, full of venomous thoughts and toxic anger. My holiday escape was wrecked. I spent most of last Saturday in tears, unable to have any fun during a youth group get-together. Sunday was supposed to be a joyful, reverent performance at church, followed by family time ... poor T was relegated to the supportive boyfriend role (which he is awesome at), watching me bob about in an emotional sea of angst.
Yes, I have ideals that I will not give up, no matter how tempting the job is. Yes, I have moral fiber, despite the fact that I do not fit into the mold of other candidates. I don't know how, but I get the feeling that the fact that I am a single mom of kids that some would consider mixed-race, that I do not 'come from around here' topped by the fact that I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can not be broken by anything or anyone (witness my escape from my marriage) made me unpopular with certain people.
The irony that I have helped several people that are above me get to where they are is not lost on me. This whole situation reeks of politics. Why bring in someone that could actually help the department if they are going to make you look bad? I have been told over and over not to take this personally but I can't help it. I was hoping it would not be personal but that email told me it was.
I don't know what I'm going to do but I do know that I can't keep fighting this fight if it is going to hurt my kids in the end. Just under a week before I go back to work. I'm reviewing my options but, at the moment, I'm unable to do anything because everyone is off enjoying their vacation, which is what I should be doing.
Broken. Angry. Disappointed.
I don't know if I have any fight left in me. I have let myself down, let my kids down, and every kid in the county.
Overdramatic? Maybe. I can't help but be passionate about this, after everything I have come through to get to this point.
I know that God does not give us anything that we can not bear ... but, Lord, I'm tired. If this is your way of telling me it's time to move on, a simple plague of locusts would have sufficed.
I don't know if I have any fight left in me. I have let myself down, let my kids down, and every kid in the county.
Overdramatic? Maybe. I can't help but be passionate about this, after everything I have come through to get to this point.
I know that God does not give us anything that we can not bear ... but, Lord, I'm tired. If this is your way of telling me it's time to move on, a simple plague of locusts would have sufficed.
Stretched too thin, lots on my mind but no time. Nerves are rubbed raw. Feeling the need to pull in and conserve.
I'll be back when I have something meaningful to share.
I'll be back when I have something meaningful to share.
Exhausted tonight. Work is draining, the girl has a friend over and the boy is playing GHII, hogging the TV. I feel like the Grinch, complaining about all the noise, Noise, NOISE, NOISE!! I could nap right now but its early and I've got laundry and cleaning to do. Oh, yeah, and the noise.
T comes tomorrow. I know I shouldn't cling to our visit like I do but I can't help it. It's the only time I feel centered, safe ... almost balanced.
You know how people always say "it's got to get better, because it can't get any worse?" when things are going badly, as thought that will make you feel better? Well, I'm saying right now, the next person that tells me that is going to get punched in the throat. For reals.
Off to my zen.
*rollin', rollin', rollin' ... *
T comes tomorrow. I know I shouldn't cling to our visit like I do but I can't help it. It's the only time I feel centered, safe ... almost balanced.
You know how people always say "it's got to get better, because it can't get any worse?" when things are going badly, as thought that will make you feel better? Well, I'm saying right now, the next person that tells me that is going to get punched in the throat. For reals.
Off to my zen.
*rollin', rollin', rollin' ... *
Dear Diary,
Today I stood up for myself and promptly got backslapped into last week. That'll learn me ...
Yeah, you might be able to tell I'm in a mood. I'm angry, hurt and frustrated beyond reason. Working alone is wearing on me and today I realized that, not only am I working alone but no one really cares. I spend all day, every day, saying yes to people and the one time I say no, they go running to the principal to get their way. What's worse is that she listened to them without finding out my side of the story or taking into account that I HAVE BEEN WORKING ALONE FOR A MONTH and can not even go to the bathroom when I need to.
At our conference, I heard over and over again how other MCs are being disrespected, left understaffed and overwhelmed on a daily basis. My frustration isn't new or unique but I take these slights on a deeper, more personal level. I don't think anyone knows how much I put into this job or just how much there IS to doing this job. I don't complain because I know everyone else is in the same boat as I am and I am supposed to be a TEAM member ... not everyone feels that way, though, and people like me, the nurturers that give of themselves, get pushed aside while others use us to get their needs met.
Anywhoo ... I spent most of the afternoon in tears, glad I have sent my resume out and willing the phone to ring. I have given my heart and soul to turn this school into something everyone could be proud of yet I can't even enjoy working there. Going to drown my sorrows in Twizzlers and Katamari tonight and get up tomorrow and do it all over again.
Today I stood up for myself and promptly got backslapped into last week. That'll learn me ...
Yeah, you might be able to tell I'm in a mood. I'm angry, hurt and frustrated beyond reason. Working alone is wearing on me and today I realized that, not only am I working alone but no one really cares. I spend all day, every day, saying yes to people and the one time I say no, they go running to the principal to get their way. What's worse is that she listened to them without finding out my side of the story or taking into account that I HAVE BEEN WORKING ALONE FOR A MONTH and can not even go to the bathroom when I need to.
At our conference, I heard over and over again how other MCs are being disrespected, left understaffed and overwhelmed on a daily basis. My frustration isn't new or unique but I take these slights on a deeper, more personal level. I don't think anyone knows how much I put into this job or just how much there IS to doing this job. I don't complain because I know everyone else is in the same boat as I am and I am supposed to be a TEAM member ... not everyone feels that way, though, and people like me, the nurturers that give of themselves, get pushed aside while others use us to get their needs met.
Anywhoo ... I spent most of the afternoon in tears, glad I have sent my resume out and willing the phone to ring. I have given my heart and soul to turn this school into something everyone could be proud of yet I can't even enjoy working there. Going to drown my sorrows in Twizzlers and Katamari tonight and get up tomorrow and do it all over again.
Francis Bradburn is giving the State of the State address today. I always like this because we get support and reassurance that we are not alone and that we are moving in the right direction.
One thing I like about this conference is that I have a chance to reevaluate my position in this field. At one time, I was very uncomfortable here, wondering if I had made a good choice. I'm not the stereotypical librarian. No bun, no teacher socks, no embroidered sweaters or horn-rimmed specs. I guess I am the future of this field, though. I may not fit in but I want to make a difference and I care about libraries.
Kevin O'Malley just came up to accept his NC Children's Book Award for Once upon a Cool Motorcycle Dude. My students will be so jealous.
The statewide winner of Administrator of the Year was from PITT COUNTY! w00t!! Dennis Teel. Congratulations, Mr. Teel!!
K, here comes the keynote, Francis. I may take notes or be too wrapped up in what she is saying.
It makes me proud to be an Instructional Technologist, but I am frustrated to have gotten my license and not be using it.
"Over the next 3 years, let's make sure that the average age of our collection is only 10 years old."
10 books/child ... our statewide average is 22/child. We need to weed. I need to do another shelf analysis.
Online initiatives, college prep. for the kids. Investigate through NCDPI.
ALA.com and ISTE.com ... download the standards.
DSL = Digital as Second Language.
ELEMENTS OF GOOD DESIGN
Goal is clear / Open to Personalization
Success is trackable / Keep things moving / Actions engage players
How to play / Work to win together
Teach kids / design lessons using Video Game tactics. Oh, this is something I need to learn and write about.
Letting kids tell their own stories. Let them put themselves out there and introduce themselves to their own future.
What are we doing to meet the needs of future learners.
Don't waste time wishing they werer different.
Don't lynch the innovators.
Honor and respect what kids bring to school. Learn FROM them.
PArents want their children to enjoy school ... technology resources, excites kids, makes them happy.
I'm so impressed by Francis Bradburn.
One thing I like about this conference is that I have a chance to reevaluate my position in this field. At one time, I was very uncomfortable here, wondering if I had made a good choice. I'm not the stereotypical librarian. No bun, no teacher socks, no embroidered sweaters or horn-rimmed specs. I guess I am the future of this field, though. I may not fit in but I want to make a difference and I care about libraries.
Kevin O'Malley just came up to accept his NC Children's Book Award for Once upon a Cool Motorcycle Dude. My students will be so jealous.
The statewide winner of Administrator of the Year was from PITT COUNTY! w00t!! Dennis Teel. Congratulations, Mr. Teel!!
K, here comes the keynote, Francis. I may take notes or be too wrapped up in what she is saying.
It makes me proud to be an Instructional Technologist, but I am frustrated to have gotten my license and not be using it.
"Over the next 3 years, let's make sure that the average age of our collection is only 10 years old."
10 books/child ... our statewide average is 22/child. We need to weed. I need to do another shelf analysis.
Online initiatives, college prep. for the kids. Investigate through NCDPI.
ALA.com and ISTE.com ... download the standards.
DSL = Digital as Second Language.
ELEMENTS OF GOOD DESIGN
Goal is clear / Open to Personalization
Success is trackable / Keep things moving / Actions engage players
How to play / Work to win together
Teach kids / design lessons using Video Game tactics. Oh, this is something I need to learn and write about.
Letting kids tell their own stories. Let them put themselves out there and introduce themselves to their own future.
What are we doing to meet the needs of future learners.
Don't waste time wishing they werer different.
Don't lynch the innovators.
Honor and respect what kids bring to school. Learn FROM them.
PArents want their children to enjoy school ... technology resources, excites kids, makes them happy.
I'm so impressed by Francis Bradburn.
One of the challenges of having boys in the library is not only having materials that will interest them but convincing them that reading can be cool.
Conquer the books _ choose, check out, and read. Return in 2 weeks to eat, chat, argue
Finale: Ice cream sundaes, evaluation
Michael Sullivan, Connecting Boys with Books: What Libraries Can Do
All about making media center boy friendly and connecting to boys.
Male authors, sports and action stories, edgy comedy, non-traditional format.
"From Booklist
Statistics show that boys do not read as much as girls. Given the importance of reading in developing vocabulary, self-expression, and higher-level thinking skills, it is essential to get boys engaged with books. In this brief, highly readable treatise, author Sullivan outlines both the tenets of successful programming for boys in the tweens--ages 8 to 12--and methods that can be used to put theory into practice. Covering genres that appeal to boys, the power of reading-related games, sports-themed library programming, and a well-run chess program, this compendium of ideas and recommendations will help both school and public librarians reach their young male constituents. The combination of practical programming recommendations and philosophical and statistical background makes for potent advocacy. RBB
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved"
- From Amazon
It is now on my wishlist ... heh
And the "You Wouldn't want to be..." series looks like a winner for my kids.
Fellowship of the Books ...
Choosing groups. Older boys, dads and male faculty leading small groups of 4th and 5th grade boys during lunch in the media center.
Pick a name
Conquer the books _ choose, check out, and read. Return in 2 weeks to eat, chat, argue
Finale: Ice cream sundaes, evaluation
Find boys book lists
Meeting authors is one of the best things about conferences. We are meeting Pat Mora right now, a Pura Belpré Honor Award Winner. I'm in awe and am looking forward to listening to her. She is a petite, warm lady and our speaker tomorrow during lunch. One of my partners in crime (Katie) here thought, for some reason, that she was a man.
HER: Is Pat Mora a man or a woman?
ME: You are thinking of Pat Morita.
HER: No, I was picturing a fat Hawaiian man.
ME: Definitely not Pat Morita. He's dead. And Japanese.
Turns out Pat is a very nice, not fat, not Hawaiian LADY. :)
They sat behind a caped crusader this morning and she has a lot of aggression..... she just sat down in front of us!! EEP!!! She is offended by my laptop!! I just got a look! There is no way this lady is a librarian ... she is so very imposing.
Front row on the right, first seat ... man or woman?? It's Pat!!
Whew, I'm punchy. The cookie pushed me over the edge. I need coffee.
Why write picture books?? To reach children when you can still influence them. I MUST read Dona Flor and her new haiku poetry book.
Lee & Lo Books??
Contact ESL program and talk to them about Dia.
" I can not imagine my life without books and how bereft I would feel."
HER: Is Pat Mora a man or a woman?
ME: You are thinking of Pat Morita.
HER: No, I was picturing a fat Hawaiian man.
ME: Definitely not Pat Morita. He's dead. And Japanese.
Turns out Pat is a very nice, not fat, not Hawaiian LADY. :)
They sat behind a caped crusader this morning and she has a lot of aggression..... she just sat down in front of us!! EEP!!! She is offended by my laptop!! I just got a look! There is no way this lady is a librarian ... she is so very imposing.
Front row on the right, first seat ... man or woman?? It's Pat!!
Whew, I'm punchy. The cookie pushed me over the edge. I need coffee.
Why write picture books?? To reach children when you can still influence them. I MUST read Dona Flor and her new haiku poetry book.
Lee & Lo Books??
Contact ESL program and talk to them about Dia.
" I can not imagine my life without books and how bereft I would feel."
Using Moodle as a closed online discussion opportunity ... students are able to share ideas and post reviews and theories about books they are reading.
Setting up forum by topic, not by student, is much more interactive.
This presentation was about a program done with ESL students but I can see it being used with a BOB team. Introduce it with independently read books but then work with assigned books.
The secutiry is imperative. The writing practice is so important. Students improve with each post.
Start a bookclub and use it for promotion, etc. This will allow a conversation between students/teachers/parents that would not happen otherwise.
Students are allowed to find their voice. Writing on Moodle, they can express themselves with more proficiency than they could in person. Usually they don't see the connection between speaking and writing voices ... this helps them blur the line between the two.
You can upload files, including podcasts!!! This could be perfect for 4th grade and their booktalks. :)
What I enjoy seeing is the connections kids are making, not only with each other but with their teachers.
http://www.rug.henderson.k12.nc.us/media
Setting up forum by topic, not by student, is much more interactive.
This presentation was about a program done with ESL students but I can see it being used with a BOB team. Introduce it with independently read books but then work with assigned books.
The secutiry is imperative. The writing practice is so important. Students improve with each post.
Start a bookclub and use it for promotion, etc. This will allow a conversation between students/teachers/parents that would not happen otherwise.
Students are allowed to find their voice. Writing on Moodle, they can express themselves with more proficiency than they could in person. Usually they don't see the connection between speaking and writing voices ... this helps them blur the line between the two.
You can upload files, including podcasts!!! This could be perfect for 4th grade and their booktalks. :)
What I enjoy seeing is the connections kids are making, not only with each other but with their teachers.
http://www.rug.henderson.k12.nc.us/media
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